rumors ::: joshler
by probablyshippingit
Summary: tyler planned to have a perfect last year in high school, as he was surrounded by the best friends he could ever ask for. but what would happen when everything turns upside down, and not in the good way? just because he met this one guy, josh, over kik. this one, beautiful, charming guy over kik. tyler thought school might be the death of him, but nope. it might just be josh.
1. one ::: frends

TYLER

"tyler joseph! face me when i speak to you!" i rolled my eyes before turning around and facing my mother.

"for the last time, i only want the best for you! i don't think you should be hanging out with anyone else but nice, wealthy people! think about your future with a rich girl like jenna. she's perfect for you!"

i was honestly about to throw up with how sick i am of hearing her say the same thing every day. she only wants the best for me, but last i checked, i'm my own person.

"mom, i keep telling you. i don't like girls!"

"honey, that's just a phase. you'll see right through it. when you get older, you'll see how naïve you are right now."

what the fuck? just a phase?

this time, i didn't hide it to roll my eyes in front of her. i was too annoyed and tired to even begin to argue with her, so i just ignored her and went up to my room. arguments like this happen almost everyday, and i was so tired of it. i could never understand why my mom thinks that i'm going through a "phase". i picked up my phone and began scrolling through my instagram feed.

yup, still the same pictures i liked before my mom started yelling at me.

i saw a notification run across the top of my phone screen, though.

 _one new kik message_

i tapped the notification before it disappeared, opening up the app.

 **djspooks:** _salutations, fren_

 **tylerhoseph:** _wat who r u_

 **djspooks:** _ur fren, josh_

 **tylerhoseph:** _but i dont know u_

 **djspooks:** _we should get to know each other then_

what the hell. who is this guy? he could be like, an eighty year old creep who wants to give me free candy or something, no thanks. i was taught not to talk to strangers. i locked my phone and tried to find something to do, my first thought was to watch supernatural and see sam and dean kill some shit.

i grabbed my headphones that were strewn on my bed, plugging them into my laptop and clicking the tab that was open already. i had prepared myself last time. i got into a comfortable position and started watching the show. not even four seconds in, my phone went off again, the bell sound chiming throughout the room and through my headphones.

noise resistant my ass.

i checked my phone again, it was another message from that spooky kid.

 **djspooks:** _can we please talk? my sister's out with her friend and she left me alone :(_

 **tylerhoseph:** _okay fine but i have a really important question_

 **tylerhoseph:** _how old r u_

 **djspooks:** _i'm turning 18 in june_

okay, cool, he was my age. but that still didn't change anything. i didn't know him and he didn't know me. to fix this, i started asking him questions.

they were basic, like "what is your favorite color?" and "what do you look like?". he sent me a picture, and he was really cute. he had light blue, wild hair and black gauges in his ears, but they were small, not like those giant ones where you could fit a whole hand through. he had a silver nose ring too, and a pretty cute nose to go with it.

he was really attractive, and it almost made me want to start talking to him more. almost. i was distracted as my best friend texted me, the notification appearing at the top of my phone screen.

 **jennablack:** _hey, ty. you wanna hang out with me and gina today?_

 **tylerhoseph:** _sure, i'll meet you guys. where, tho?_

 **jennablack:** _the fair. come quickkkk_

 **tylerhoseph:** _okay im omw DONT RUSH ME WOMAN_

 **jennablack:** _wear something cute, she brought her brother with us_

i glanced at the text, not thinking anything about it, but made sure i wore something cute anyways. i ran a hand through my fluffy hair, replacing my plaid pajama bottoms with black skinny jeans and put on a band tee. it was simple but clean, whatever. i slipped on my beat up black converse and left the house without saying anything more to my mom who was somewhere in the house.

|-/

 **tylerhoseph:** _okay, im here where r u guys_

 **jennablack:** _we're coming to the front_

i got out of my car, and saw jenna and gina come up to me, hugging me excitedly.

"hey, tyler!"

"hi, guys." i smiled.

i looked up and saw him.

yes, _him._ my heart was in my throat as i saw it was the guy who texted me over kik. what the hell? i was beyond confused. why is he here? and why is he walking towards us? and why is he smiling at me?

he had the same light blue hair and nose ring and gauges. he was wearing a red sweater and black jeans, black converse to go along with it. he looked really comfortable, to say the least.

"tyler, this is josh, but you already knew that." gina, my other best friend, said. she was the first person to come up to me in middle school when i transferred.

"i did?"

"yeah, he's _only_ my brother and you're _only_ my best friend." she rolled her eyes like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

ooohhhh.

now i remembered, i met him only once when gina and i were still in middle school. everytime i go to their house, i don't ever see him, though. now i felt really stupid.

"hey, josh." i said calmly, but mentall because josh was really attractive in person. like, very.

"hi, tyler." his voice was sweet, like a little kid's.

i put my hands in my pockets, rocking back and forth and feeling very awkward. i didn't have anything to say, i only met him once!

"so! what should we do first?" gina asked.

"i came here for one thing only, and that's food. where is it?" jenna looked around for stands.

"can we get elephant ears?" josh asked excitedly, his eyebrows raised.

"they should have everything in the same area." i said. "let's go."

gina and jenna trailed behind josh and i as we started walking to wherever, me with my hands still in my pockets since i didn't know where to put them. i didn't want them to hang by my side, or else i'd just look weird. i can't believe i was being so awkward in front of a not-so-stranger. and why did he even start texting me in the first place?

"whoa! look at that funhouse!" josh suddenly said, interrupting my thoughts.

he was pointing to a big house with a giant, ugly clown face on it, its oddly large mouth the entrance. it contained those mirror walls in which i absolutely hated. why trick us into thinking it's a safe and clear path when in reality is just a one way ticket to a broken nose? but josh looked really excited to go in it, and i couldn't deny that bright smile that made his eyes crinkle up and dimples to form at the sides of his mouth.

"but didn't you want to eat first?" i asked.

"forget that, there's a _funhouse!_ come on!" he grabbed my hand, and pulled me along with him to the funhouse.

what the hell? we weren't even friends and we were already holding hands. not that i minded, his hands were soft and warm, but even then, i didn't know him well enough. it was just a friendly gesture, though, he was taking me with him somewhere.

i shoved any other strange thoughts to the back of my head, following josh through the maze of clear walls. i giggled everytime he would run into one, amused at his childlike behavior. josh is actually pretty funny.

we went up some stairs that led to a completely dark room, bright neon lights lining the walls. it was really cold in here, and i, being the dumbass i am, didn't leave home without a sweater or anything.

"hey, are you cold? it's pretty chilly in here." josh commented.

"yeah, it is."

i couldn't see him clearly, but i heard rustling and suddenly i had a ball of cloth in my hands. i looked down at it to see it was his red pullover.

"now you're going to be cold." i said, staring down at the sweater.

but it was really warm and it smelled good too, like a mixture of roses and vanilla, if that made sense. i really wanted to put it on, because it was _really_ cold, but i didn't want josh to suffer because of me.

"we're going to get out of here soon, no biggie. please wear it. you're cold." he said from in front of me as he kept walking.

"thank you, really." i said gratefully.

i put it on, the sleeves falling over my hands and the bottom of it pooling around the waistband of my jeans. i turned my hands into fists, balling up the sweater in my hands to block any cold air out. i can't believe he did that for me, no one's ever done that before.

but that's what friends do, right?

|-/

it was getting dark, the sky casting light hues of orange and purple across the sky, deepening the yellow orb that was the setting sun. jenna and gina really wanted to take a picture of the sunset while we were on the ferris wheel, so we were now waiting to get on it.

josh and i were talking until it was our turn to go on. the guy asked how many to a car and i was about to say four, but nope. gina and jenna said they were a pair, so they were seated alone. when the ferris wheel moved up they shot me looks and winked.

what the hell are they doing.

i was forced to go on a car with just josh. not that i minded, considering he was the only one in this line that i was comfortable with. spending the day out with him let me know who he was, and he had an amazing personality. it's rare that you could find someone genuine and fun, so i was enjoying the fact that we were kinda-but-not-really friends.

i was still wearing his sweater when we got on the car, and i tried to give it back to him.

"here, josh. thank you for letting me borrow it." i said as i began to take it off.

"no, it's cold out here. please keep it." josh said, shaking his head.

"aren't you cold?" i asked, my eyebrow raised. what was wrong with this kid? he's too nice.

"nope, i like when the air's like this. i don't want you to get sick or anything." he said, looking out into the sunset.

the golden light shot rays into his pretty, light brown eyes, allowing me to see the streaks of gold speckled across them and the dark brown ring surrounding them. the shirt he was wearing underneath let me to see the bright sleeve of tattoos on his right arm, it looked like a tree, and i'm sure it had a meaning behind it.

"thank you." i said. aw, he was looking out for me. that's sweet.

the ride stopped at the top, me and josh instantly pulling out our phones to snap pictures of the beautiful view. josh aimed at the sun while i put on the selfie mode and caught josh's attention. i smiled big and he made a silly face from the other side of the car, making me laugh.

i felt this warm feeling inside my stomach, like when you're home alone and you know you could do _anything_ you wanted to. being with josh made me feel so carefree and happy. if this is what he brings, then i hope we stay friends.

well, kinda-but-not-really friends.

|-/

josh's eyes filled with happiness as we ran up to the elephant ears stand. we lost gina and jenna, but when we called them they said they'd meet us here after they got off of the ride. i watched as josh pushed his finger against the glass seperating us from the toppings as he told the guy what he wanted on it.

he got one with nutella and powdered sugar on the top, and i could honestly say it looked really good.

"tyler, this is huge. do you want to share it?" he asked, pouting at the elephant ear.

"sure." i giggled as he beamed again, going towards a vacant table.

he ripped off a piece of the elephant ear, the warm, gooey nutella dripping slowly off of it. i ripped off a piece too, maybe a little _too_ big, but oh well. i don't really like nutella, but this elephant ear was making it work.

we finished soon enough, and then started talking again. at first it was awkward, but josh is pretty easy to talk to after a while.

"uh, tyler – you have a little stuff on your lip. here, let me get it." he grabbed a napkin and before i had time to react, i found him wiping off the sweet hazelnut spread from the corner of my mouth.

i noticed he kept looking at my actual lips, but maybe he was just checking for anything he might've missed? i was actually kind of surprised at the sudden gesture, but i mean, whatever.

"thank you." i smiled sweetly, glad that he saved me from walking around looking like i had poop on my face. _that_ would've been embarrassing.

gina and jenna met us right when we were about to go find them, their hair messed up and they were laughing.

"guys, we just rode the best ride ever. but now i'm kind of tired. could we go?" jenna asked, yawning at the end of her sentence.

"yeah, me too. my legs are tired, there's too much walking around here." josh said, looking down at his legs to prove his point.

"okay, let's go." we all walked back to gina's car and on the way back, blasted fall out boy over the radio because they were some good shit.

we got back, me instantly going to my car to leave. i really wanted to sleep. josh walked over shyly as i got in. i rolled down the window for him.

"hey, tyler. i was wondering..."

i raised my eyebrows expectantly.

"do you want to be actual friends? because if you don't that's totally okay too, like we don't have to if you don't want to, but i just thought-"

"of course."

"huh?"

"let's be friends." i smiled really big this time, showing teeth and everything.

"oh! okay. uh...cool."

"cool."

"yeah. okay, i'll see you tomorrow."

"bye, josh."

i sighed as i drove away, that was really freaking awkward. but on the bright side, josh and i levelled up.

we were friends now.

cool.


	2. two ::: detention

i dreadfully walked into my school, trudging to my locker to put books and such in there. i accidentally hit my head on the top of my small ass locker, and groaned when i heard a familiar laugh.

"tyler! are you alright?" gina asked while still laughing.

"fuck off, g." i said, but ended up smiling with her.

"so, what's good?" gina asked, fixing her blonde hair underneath her black beanie.

"nothing much, how about yourself?"

"same, but except you're lying to me. i saw josh and you talking yesterday, you ain't slick, joseph. spill."

"he just asked me to be his friend. that's all." i shrugged.

"that's it?" she raised a pierced eyebrow, looking disappointed.

"what do you mean 'that's it?'" i squinted at her.

"nothing." she frowned, shaking her head.

"how come i've never seen josh before?"

"you have, but he's always hanging out with his friends. you've met him once, when we were hella young."

"what's he like again?"

"well, i'm his sister, so i'm supposed to say he's gross. but he's not. better than most brothers out there, i guess. we rarely fight, and he's pretty neat."

"talking about me again, gina?"

 _oh my god he was right behind me._

"get over yourself." gina rolled her eyes and playfully punched josh's shoulder. "well, i gotta run, see you."

i caught that wink she gave me. i watched her leave, her soft blonde hair bouncing behind her.

"hey, ty. i didn't know you went to school here." josh greeted, smiling softly.

"yeah, i didn't know you came here, either. how come i've never seen you around before?"

"probably because i always sit in the back of the class.'' he chuckled.

then the bell rung, signaling school was supposed to start now. as i got through the day, i mentally punched myself in the face for not realizing i had _five_ out of six classes with josh, and in all of them he sat in the back. how could i not recognize him?

i was eating lunch now. my friends and i were in the cafeteria, which consisted of me, gina, will, rob, and max. we were a small group, but i learned that you don't need tons of friends to be happy.

"so, ty, tell me about this _'josh'."_ rob asked, smirking and resting his head on his hand.

i looked at gina who looked away while drinking from her water bottle, raising her eyebrows. that hoe told people.

"well, there's not much to say." i shrugged, _really_ not wanting this to be a big deal.

"only the fact that he's super hot and you like him a lot." rob wiggled his dark eyebrows.

"hey! that rhymed!" max said excitedly.

"does this guy have blue hair and a nose ring?" rob whispered to me, even though he was across the table.

"yeah, why?"

"because he's coming over here, josh to your 7 o'clock."

i looked over my shoulder slightly to see that josh was in fact on his way over to the table. he was wearing black converse and a band t-shirt, black skinny jeans to go along with it. upon seeing me turn around, he smiled.

"hi, ty." he greeted.

"hey, josh."

"um...do you mind if i sit with you guys?" he asked shyly, running a hand through his soft looking hair down to his neck, his other hand in his pocket.

"not at all! we've heard a lot about you." max looked at me and smiled, knowing that i was hating her by the second.

 _please don't embarrass me, maxine williams, i swear i will end you._

"really?"

"yup! little old tyler here told us loads about you."

 _where's my knife?_

"is that so?" josh looked over at me with an amused smirk on his face.

"hey max, shut the fuck up." i barely heard gina whisper in her ear.

she rolled her eyes and continued to eat her sandwich, and i was here next to josh being a blushing mess and trying not to let him see that. gina, being the angel that she is, changed up the topic.

"guys, i have an announcement." gina, also being the extra girl that she is, put her arms out in front of her to silence everyone.

"what is it?" rob asked.

"i'm going to be on a field trip from tuesday to tuesday. so i won't be at the table."

"aw, we're gonna miss you, gigi." will pouted.

"i know, who wouldn't miss me?" she asked.

"okay, let's not get cocky."

max started laughing. "will said 'cocky'."

and that's our group of friends. we ended up having a really fun time with josh there. how come he hasn't hung out with us before?

we were now sitting in the most boring teacher's class, mr. romano. he taught biology, and it didn't help that we had an extra hour with him considering our breaks were cancelled and our lunch period ended early. josh was in his usual spot behind everyone in the back of the class. i sat in the middle, because i didn't want the teacher to pay _too_ close attention to me, but i also couldn't see very well from the back.

"okay, class. our next project will be to construct a child using your basic knowledge on dominant and recessive genes, and you will make it out of household items. you'll take care of this child for a week, and at the end of the grading period you will do a research report. i'm going to assign you partners, and with your partner, you will complete this. you have until next week friday to have a basic idea of the child, and we will start the following monday."

i internally groaned, are we in seventh grade? and, he'd be giving us partners instead of us choosing. i'll probably get paired up with eliza or ender.

yes, ender like the book.

see, eliza and ender never did their work, and i always got the best of luck being paired up with them for the last few assignments.

i was busy holding my breath until the teacher called my name.

"tyler joseph, you will be paired with..."

my lungs are filling.

"joshua dun." mr. romano looked at the popsicle stick with disgust as he raised his bushy eyebrows for dramatic ass effect and continued to pull sticks from his ugly cup.

i rolled my eyes and looked over my shoulder at josh, who smirked and went back to paying attention to the teacher. he told us to start working, so i got out of my seat to go meet josh in the back of the classroom.

"so, we're going to be dads, huh?"

i blushed and rolled my eyes.

"did you see romano's face when he pulled your popsicle stick?" i asked, still not over how grossed out he looked.

"yes the fuck i did, homophobic shit." josh made a face at mr. romano while he was turned around, and i laughed my ass off when he got caught.

"mr. dun? i'll see you in detention." mr. romano glared at josh and turned back around.

i looked over and saw josh pouting, his eyebrows pulled together and his bottom lip sticking out.

"aw, don't be sad. here, so you're not lonely, i'll go with you."

"no, don't waste your time."

"it won't be wasted if it's with you." i said smoothly, slowly losing my shit because of how bold i was being.

and because of how it made him bite his lip, smile, and look at the floor. _oh jesus._

i got through all my classes, the final bell ringing and everyone literally _running_ out of class, excited to start the weekend. i put all my stuff that i didn't need in my locker, looking over to see a familiar head of blue hair pulling up his black jeans and walking in the opposite direction.

"josh!" i called, and he stopped, turning around.

"tyler!"

"are you ready?" i asked, honestly dreading going to detention with josh. why was i doing this again?

"i guess so. thank you so much for staying with me, ty." josh beamed at me.

oh yeah.

when josh and i got to the classroom where detention was being held, i was stopped. the teacher asked me for my pink card, in which i didn't have, so she told me to leave. but me, being the stubborn guy i am, didn't. i waited until she started detention to come back and wait by the door. there was a large strip of glass in the door, so i was able to see josh and the other few regulars in the room.

i waved my hand around the door until josh saw me, and then i shot him a silly face, causing him to silently laugh. his smile made me smile, and soon we were just smiling at each other through the glass in the door. it wasn't long before detention was over, which was basically just me and josh communicating with weird hand signs and faces.

he came out and sighed. we began walking to who-knows-where, just away from that classroom.

"worst detention ever." josh complained.

"you've had detention before?'

"yeah, man. i'm a rebel." he made a face and flexed his muscles, which, i'm not gonna lie, looked hot.

"and a fuckboy." i joked, lightly punching his arm.

"hey! i wouldn't ask for nudes. if i didn't know you." he smirked.

"was detention really that bad?"

"i mean, you were there with me, kinda. so it actually was a lot better. again, thanks for staying with me."

"hey, no problem." i said shyly, looking down at the floor.

then we just walked in silence. it was not a comfortable, chill silence either. he spoke up first when we reached the parking lot.

"hey, ty?" he asked, his hands clasped together behind his neck.

"yeah?" i looked up at him.

"tomorrow is saturday."

"yep, it is."

"are you busy?"

oh god, was he doing what i think he's doing? _please don't embarrass yourself, tyler._

"uh, no. i'm free tomorrow, all day." i said, my voice shaking. why was i so nervous around josh?

"let's hang out?"

"okay."

"okay."

he spoke up again.

"maybe okay could be our always?"

"goodbye, josh." i smiled at him.

he chuckled and waved at me before turning in the opposite direction and walking to where i assumed his car was. i began walking to mine as well. it wasn't anything special, just a black bmw. how my mom trusted me with a moving automobile, i have no idea.


	3. three ::: taco bell saga

TYLER

 **djspooks:** _ty_

 **djspooks:** _ty_

 **djspooks:** _tylerrrrr_

 **djspooks:** _ok just ignore me i'm gonna go eat ice cream without you_

 **tylerhoseph:** _WAIT_

 **tylerhoseph:** _what kind of ice cream_

 **djspooks:** _the cookie dough one from ben and jerry's_

 **tylerhoseph:** _ew_

 **djspooks:** _WHAAAAAAAT_

 **djspooks:** _that's like the best one_

 **tylerhoseph:** _no chocolate is the best_

 **djspooks:** _basic_

 **tylerhoseph** : _whAt did yOU just cAll mE_

 **djspooks:** _that's right i said it_

 **djspooks:** _BASIC_

 **tylerhoseph:** _fight me irl bruh_

 _ **djspooks:**_ _u don't want these hands i'll kick ur butt_

 **djspooks:** _WAIT TYLER_

 **tylerhoseph:** _WHAT_

 **djspooks:** _WE NEVER SET A HANGOUT SPOT OR TIME_

 **tylerhoseph:** _OH YEAH_

 **tylerhoseph:** _WE SHOULD HANG OUT AT MY HOUSE MY PARENTS WILL BE GONE_

 **djspooks:** _oh really ;)_

 **tylerhoseph:** _okay nvm_

 **djspooks:** _NO WAIT_

 **djspooks:** _ur house_

 **djspooks:** _should i bring taco bell_

 **tylerhoseph:** _please_

|-/

the doorbell rang and my heart was speeding up, knowing that it was josh behind the door. i quickly checked myself out in the mirror, smoothening out my shirt and taking a deep breath.

 _you can do this tyler, he's your friend._

i opened the door and smiled warmly at him. he was wearing a black "legends never die" t-shirt, black skinny jeans, and black vans. and he brought a present, a bag of food.

"yay! you're here! and you brought josh!" i joked.

"yup, it's a package deal." josh smiled.

i moved aside for him to come into my house, saying hi to him as i didn't before.

"you have a nice house, tyler." he complimented.

"hey, thanks. that's nice."

i didn't know if he was uncomfortable, since he's never been here before. maybe inviting him over was a mistake? my thoughts were interrupted as he gasped and ran into the living room.

"you have netflix!" he shouted, excited.

"i do!" i shouted back.

"we should watch something?"

"okay."

|-/

josh and i ended up watching around two movies, i lost track after that. we went through a bag of taco bell and a pizza, and josh was still hungry afterwards, so we were on our way to taco bell again because he wanted to try something new. he was open to new things, i liked that.

he got a taco with a cheesy shell, as well as cheese on top of it. i forgot what he called it when he yelled it into the speaker.

"thunk you fr drifing me here, thyler." josh said to me while his mouth was full, a happy smile on his face as he continued eating his taco.

aw, he was adorable.

"no problem."

i dropped him off at his house, pulling up into the driveway.

"thanks again, ty. i had a lot of fun today." he said, looking at me.

"me too, we should totally do this again sometime."

josh nodded. he opened his mouth like he wanted to say something, but closed it and got out of the car. i watched him go inside of his house, you know, so he doesn't get stolen, and waited until he got inside safely. i then saw gina with her blonde hair in a messy bun, bounding towards me after she answered the door.

"hey, best friend." she said leaning against the car frame when i rolled down the window for her. "isn't he gross?"

"no, he's actually great." i sighed, smiling to myself at the memory of today.

"aw, you like him." she drew out the last word, taunting me.

"i do not! we are just friends!"

"whatever you say, babe." she rolled her eyes, standing up straight again. "i gotta go, but i'll see you monday. text me!" she knitted her eyebrows and pointed at me.

"okay," i giggled, "bye, gina."


	4. four ::: have you heard the rumors?

R

josh and i have been becoming better friends.

we were always hanging out with each other, inside and outside of school. i've heard the rumors, believe me, i have. once you start hanging out with someone for a long time, people start talking. they weren't bad rumors, and i didn't really care about them, but then again i did.

"hey, tyler, are you and josh dating?"

"no."

"tyler, did you and josh hook up?"

"no."

"tyler, i heard you and josh fucked, is it true?"

"no!"

"tyler! you didn't tell me you were dating josh!"

"i don't even know you!"

"tyler, i cannot believe you're dating my brother and you didn't even tell me! you could at least say, you know, _oh hey, i might be over at your house more than usual._ or, _don't be surpised when you see me and josh sucking each other's faces off!"_

"gina!" i hid my face in my hands, my cheeks going pink. we were in the halls after school, the entire area cleared except for the one or two students who forgot things in their lockers.

"what?"

"the rumors aren't true, omg."

"did you just say 'omg' and not 'oh my god'?"

i groaned.

"okay, okay." she grabbed my face with her hands covered by her oversized hoodie. "does josh know?"

"probably, they're all over school." i stuck my bottom lip out, pouting.

"aw, ty. turn that frown upside down!" she tried to lighten the mood.

i tried my best to smile from in between her hands, my cheeks and lips squishing up, causing her to start laughing. i started laughing too, and then stopped when i saw josh. he was trying to support himself off of the lockers in the hall, his arm covering his stomach. he looked like he was coughing, i couldn't hear because i was far from him down the hall, and he stopped.

i rushed over to him, becoming more panicked as i got closer to him. i saw he had a purple ring around his eye and his lip was bleeding profusely.

"josh!"

"oh, hey." he tried to smile, but i could tell he was in pain.

"what the fuck happened to you?"

he sat against the lockers, his arm around his stomach. he looked really tired.

"you know..." he sighed. "just people."

"joshua dun!" i heard gina from behind me, running up to her brother.

she kneeled down and looked at his face, turning it from side to side in her hand. he had a bruised eye, a busted lip, and what seemed to be a cut along his cheek. it was bleeding as well, but not as bad as his mouth.

"please tell us what happened." she pleaded.

"you know those rumors about me and tyler?" he asked weakly.

gina and i nodded.

"well, mr. romano caught me in the hall and started beating the shit out of me. i didn't try to get any hits in, but i did push him back before he completely sliced my face open. who carries scissors around with them?"

i felt my heart drop and my eyes widen. what the hell? our biology teacher hurt josh because he was an actual homophobic shit. i couldn't believe this, and i was actually surprising myself with how angry i was. why should he care about josh's, or anyone's sexuality for that matter? it has nothing to do with him, so who the fuck cares?

gina sighed loudly, putting one of josh's arms around her shoulders.

"come on, little brother. we're going home."

"you're only older than me by two minutes."

gina shushed him, and stood him up.

i went to help her, putting josh's other arm around my shoulders and walking in the direction of the entrance. josh tried his best to walk on his own two feet, but was too weak for that. when josh was put in his car, i turned to walk to my own, but gina stopped me.

"tyler, i have a problem."

"what's that?"

"remember how i told everyone i'd be going on the field trip?"

oh shit.

she leaves tomorrow. why is this a problem? because when they were younger, their dad left them for another woman, and their mom is always working, so as you could probably guess, she was on a business trip until january. it's november now.

"um..." i tried to think. "maybe i could take care of him?" i offered.

"are you sure? would your mom be okay with it?"

"she wouldn't give a shit. i'll do it." i tried to be chill about it, but on the inside i was tripping balls.

i could play doctor.

gina and i talked about it for a few more minutes until she needed to go patch josh up. i was on my way home now, the only thing on my mind was josh,

josh,

and josh.


	5. five ::: don't treat me like you do

TYLER

 **gigihadun:** _ty_

 **tylerhoseph:** _what's good_

 **gigihadun:** _i'm leaving in a few hours. can you still make it?_

 **tylerhoseph:** _yup, i'm all packed and stuff_

 **gighadun:** _okay cool i'll see you then_

i closed the app and made my way over to my packed bag on my bed. it just had clothes and a toothbrush in there, nothing important. i left my bedroom and called from the bottom of the stairs.

"mom! i'm going over to gina's for the week."

i left quickly, not wanting to hear her try to start up an arguement.

again.

|-/

i drove down the quiet street, listening to green day playing softly in the background as i looked for josh's house on the right side. i knew where he lived, considering gina and i have been to each other's houses many times. i pulled in to the nice two story house, its walls white and decorated with a few hanging plants and vines adorning the sides of it. i looked up at the balcony and noticed figures running back and forth through the windows, and then i saw my best friend smush her face against the glass and wave to me.

i smiled at her silliness and walked up to the house. before i had the chance to knock, gina already bursts through the door, a suitcase and duffel bag in her hands.

"hey, ty. i'm leaving like, right now, but thank you so much for taking care of josh while i'm away. have fun!" she yelled, smiling brightly.

then she came up to my ear. "i left some condoms between john green and jk rowling."

my cheeks were on _fire_ as she got in her car parked on the other side of the street, waving at me, and driving off. why she had condoms, i don't know, but i sure as _hell_ would not be needing them. i decided not to question further and walked into the house, greeted by the spray of the air freshener mounted on the wall.

"joshy-poo?" i called.

i got no response.

i looked in the kitchen, maybe he didn't respond because he had a mouth full of food? i didn't see him, so i looked upstairs in his bedroom. he was turned on his side, his hair a mess, the blue contrasting with the white of the duvet he was curled up in. he had his face covered by the comforter, so i assumed he was sleeping and went back downstairs.

whoo-hoo, it's just me, myself, and i for now. i'd have to entertain myself somehow.

i wondered if the condoms are flavored.

|-/

okay, they were not, just regular trojan.

i've been sitting on the couch for a few hours now, texting gina and watching the nightmare before christmas. why?

i don't have a good enough answer for that.

i heard shuffling behind me, but then i remembered i was helping gina take care of josh, because he got beaten up by our stupid ass biology teacher. i still can't believe that happened. he should be in jail right now, but all the school did was fire him and take away his teaching license.

i was snapped out of my thought when i felt warm arms wrap around my shoulders from behind and soft, fluffy hair on my cheek. i jumped slightly at the contact, but then i realized it was josh.

"hi, ty." he greeted, and _holy fuck,_ his voice was deep from sleep. he was hot.

"h-hey, josh. how are you f-feeling?" i probably sounded like a dumbass.

"i'm doing okay, thank you. how about you?" he came to sit next to me on the couch.

he had a bandage on his cheek, and his eye was surrounded by a deep purple bruise, and his lip had a healing slit from when it split. i felt so bad for him.

"i'm okay."

"how was-" he noticed the movie playing as background noise. "is that the nightmare before christmas?!" he yelled.

"yes!"

"can we watch it from the beginning?" he asked, excitedly.

"sure, josh." i smiled at how happy he got.

he grabbed a blanket that was folded up on the couch and scooted closer to me, throwing the blanket over us and grabbing the remote to start the movie over. he then rested his head on my chest, settling down and snuggling into me.

i was shocked, considering i've never been this close to someone before, but i soon told myself i needed to do something quick. i put one arm around him to hold him closer and swallowed thickly, not wanting to hurt him even more in any way.

i've never cuddled anyone before, was i doing it right? i hope so.

i glanced down.

josh had his hands curled up in the soft blanket and his eyes were transfixed on the movie. he was taking in slow, deep breaths, blinking slowly as the movie played. the lights were off in the house. before i was using the outside light, but it was dark now. i could only focus on the person i had in my arms right now, and i slowly felt myself smiling fondly at him.

he got excited over the tiniest things, and had a smile that could light up this whole town. **(A.N. yes i just did)**

i felt amazing, just being here with josh. i could _totally_ get used to this.


	6. six ::: started with the cookies

TYLER

i woke up underneath something heavy and warm, but when i looked down i was relieved to see josh was still curled up next to me. he was sleeping soundly, his chest rising and falling. the netflix background was still on, meaning we probably fell asleep in the middle of the movie. i reached over to where my phone was charging, trying not to disturb josh, but he ended up stirring in his sleep anyway.

"tyler?' and there was that sleepy voice again.

"yeah?"

"don't you have to go to school?"

"oh, yeah." i made a poker face. i forgot about school.

"should i go to school?"

"if you want to. if not, i could bring back the stuff you missed."

"i should probably go." josh nodded to himself, getting up off of the couch.

i'm not going to lie, i was worried about josh. what if he gets hit again, or what if he just _bumps_ into something?

"actually, maybe you shouldn't." i spoke up.

"why not?"

"because...what if you get hurt?"

"i won't, mr. romano isn't there anymore, remember?"

"i know, but you could like...run into a table or something and hurt yourself again..." i trailed off and looked at the floor, quickly becoming embarrassed that i was worrying too much about his safety.

i didn't hear another word after that, just josh pulling me in for a hug. i hugged back tightly, but not too tight, because his stomach could still be bruised.

"thank you for caring about me, ty. it means a lot." his voice was muffled into my neck.

his breath and lips tickled my neck, causing me to giggle.

"what?" he asked, smiling slightly.

"that tickled."

"you're adorable." he said and walked into the hallway to get ready.

i blushed at the compliment. me? adorable? if josh says so.

"ty? do you want to use this bathroom first?" josh called, his voice echoing.

"no, it's okay, i'll just use the one upstairs."

"are you sure?"

"yes!" i headed upstairs, grabbing a towel and taking a quick shower, brushing my teeth and washing my face in the process.

josh and i were eventually ready, me driving my car to school. i figured i'd be bored in homeroom today, since gina wasn't there to keep me company, so i just took any book from gina's library. she had good taste, so i trusted that this book would be good.

"you know what i should do?" josh asked, looking at me.

"what?" i took my eyes off of the road for a split second to turn to him, then i continued driving.

"dye my hair red."

"you should do whatever you want. red hair would look good on you." after a short while i realized what i said. "not that you don't look good now! but like, if you were to...you know." i stopped talking, because _damn_ was i being awkward right now.

josh looked over at me and smiled one of his signatures, his eyes crinkling in the corners.

"thanks, ty."

|-/

"class, mr. romano is no longer teaching at rockmond high, so i will be your biology teacher for the rest of the semester. i'm not going to keep going with the project you guys are currently doing, we're not in seventh grade."

i listened to the teacher talk about the new things we would be doing, and i could honestly say she was better than mr. romano. i think her name was mrs. benson, but i wasn't paying attention. i was currently sitting in the back of the class, right next to josh. the rumours seemed to clear up, but there were still some lingering around. i didn't mind, but i'm not sure josh did. we never really talked about it.

"now, look to your right and left. these will be your partners and groups for the rest of the semester." mrs. b said, looking around the room.

josh sat to my right, and next to him was this guy named brendon. next to _him_ was a girl named sarah. i think brendon and sarah were dating, but i wasn't sure. either way, i was fine with my group, and even better with my partner.

we ended up doing some nasty ass dissection of either a raccoon or a cat, it was roadkill and i couldn't identify it. josh, being the dork that he is, kept playing with it using his forceps and poking at its insides once we cut it open.

now we were walking to lunch with max, will, and rob.

"guys, you know what we haven't done?" josh asked.

"what?" rob looked up from his book, whatever he was reading.

"well, you know how you could leave campus for lunch?"

everyone nodded, but then we realized what he was talking about.

"let's go right now!" max slurred, getting up from the table.

and she was high as fuck.

her eyes were red and she was eating her second bag of lays that she made me get her from the vending machine. she was the type of person my mom didn't want me hanging out with, but she was the most fun person ever when she wasn't sober.

seriously. so screw it.

"what?" will asked, taking out his earbuds that were blasting emo pop.

"we're leaving to go eat somewhere." josh said.

"oh, where?"

"i could really use taco bell." i chimed in, it wasn't a lie.

soon we were in my car, loudly singing along to whatever was on the radio with the windows down. people passing by gave us looks, but i didn't care, i was having fun with my friends. josh told us that we should try that weird taco he ate on saturday, with the cheese shell.

we got exactly that and ended up at a park, eating our tacos in the grass and watching the ducks swim in the green pond.

"this is fun. we've been in highschool for like, three years, and we're just now finding out about this." i shook my head.

"i know! you're welcome." josh said, taking a bite out of his taco.

"next time we should just leave school, get taco bell, and go to the beach or something. i fucking hate school." will grumbled.

"it's good for the mind." max said.

we all just sat, had a good time, and we even called gina to see how she was in france. she apparently met a cute guy named adrien and they were going on a date, so she had to hang up. i hope they'll stay together, since she'd be coming back on tuesday.

we went back to school around five minutes before we were supposed to get to class, finishing the day, and _man,_ was i tired.

josh and i were driving back to his house, talking about anything and everything, until we were about to pass whole foods.

"tyler!" josh gasped.

"what?" i asked, looking over to him.

"we should go into whole foods. i want to make cookies."

"cookies?" i gave him a "really?" look.

"please?" he pouted.

"but josh!"

"but tyler!"

"ugh, fine." i turned into the parking lot for whole foods, quickly finding a parking spot.

we got out and went into the store, me following josh mainly because i didn't know what he wanted and he was tugging me along like a six year old running through a toy store. he filled up the basket with basic cookie ingredients and other pointless junk, but i mean, whatever he wants.

we left, josh excited over the fact that we would make cookies together. i'll admit, he was cute when he was excited. we got to his house and he fumbled with his keys a little before opening the door. he ran into the kitchen while i put my stuff on the couch.

"ty! come on! you're so slow!" josh whined from the kitchen.

i just scoffed and rolled my eyes, following him.

"okay, first things first, we gotta open this flour." josh said, tugging on either side of the bag.

"josh, i don't think you should open it like-" flour exploded everywhere, getting all over me and josh's faces, "that."

"aw, man! this was my good shirt!" josh looked down at his shirt, which was covered in white powder.

i laughed, he looked funny covered in powder. i could only see his eyes, the rest of his face white.

"are you laughing at me, tyler?" he faked hurt and put his hand over his heart.

i only nodded and continued laughing at him. he then threw a handful of flour at me, getting it all in my hair and shirt.

"josh! we won't have enough to make the cookies!" i said, remembering that was why we were here in the first place.

"oh shit! the cookies!"

josh measured out the amount of flour he thought it should have, me getting out the sugar, eggs, butter, and chocolate chips. he put in baking powder or soda, one of the two – they both meant the same thing to me. i added in all of the little candies and stuff he put in the basket, knowing we'd probably get cavities from the first bite.

i was stirring the dough together, but my arm got tired fairly quickly. fuck me for not working out enough, i literally had zero arm strength. i tried to keep mixing, but my arm slowed down and started to hurt.

"joooooosh." i whined. "my arm hurts."

"weakling." he smiled and took the spoon from my hands.

i stuck my tongue out at him, and preheated the oven to three-fifty, something i probably should've done beforehand.

"what should we do while we wait?" i asked, looking at the batter.

it was a light brown color, the darkness of the chocolate chips or the brightness of the candies that i put in there contrasting with the dull, brown of the actual batter.

"we should run a taste test." he said, dipping the spoon in the soft batter and bringing it to me.

i put my mouth over the spoon, taking what was on it into my mouth. instantly i was hit with the taste of sugar, the candy and chocolate filling my mouth. i ate it, though, and nodded in approval. these were going to be pretty good if you ask me.

"it's good." i said.

josh then got another spoon and scooped out a bit of cookie dough to try, and he smiled.

"whoa." he stared into nothing, and suddenly turned around and got another spoonful.

"josh! you're not supposed to eat raw cookie dough!"

"but mooooom." josh said in a whiny voice, stomping his foot and everything.

"no buts. put it down, josh." i played along, playfully scolding him.

he didn't respond, just looked at me with his pretty eyes. he slowly put the spoon up to his mouth and ate the cookie dough.

"joshua dun, how dare you defy me!"

"okay, but tyler, you gotta admit. this is delicious."

"you're right, but if we eat it we might get sick." i looked at the tempting cookie dough.

"or not."

just then, the stove top beeped, signaling that the oven was ready. saved by the bell, because if not, i know josh and i would've eaten the cookie dough, and then we'd get sick,

and then we'd have to go to the hospital,

and _then_ we'd never eat cookies again.

we rolled the dough into small balls, placing them on the baking rack and putting them in the oven, going to clean ourselves up while they baked since we still had flour and cookie dough on our faces. we came back into the kitchen, josh with a black muscle shirt and me with no shirt on.

what? nothing he hasn't seen.

the timer beeped on the stove, and josh took them out of the oven, setting them on the baking rack to cool. i sat down on the counter, watching him. he had really nice arms, let me tell you. while they were cooling, we decided to watch netflix, so right now he was picking a movie for us to watch.

i've noticed his injuries were getting better. the once purple bruise around his eye was turning into a yellowish color, but that just meant it was going to fade. his lip wasn't swollen anymore and it was healing as well.

about a minute into the movie, i heard my phone go off.

 _one new kik notification_

 **djspooks:** _ty_

i looked up at him, giving him a look, but his attention was turned to the t.v. i decided to humor him.

 **tylerhoseph:** _yeah_

 **djspooks:** _im bored_

 **tylerhoseph:** _well, what do you wanna do?_

 **djspooks:** _could we go the abandoned playground?_

 **tylerhoseph:** _okay_

|-/

josh and i were in the little hut that was next to the swings. it was like a playhouse, but just really big. we were talking about our goals in life, me not even talking as much, just admiring the way josh got so into what he was saying.

"i'm hoping to settle down with a really cool person." josh said. "maybe have a family."

"me too. i want to meet a cute guy and fall in love. i wonder what that's like." i said. sure, it sounded really cheesy, but it was true. is being in love nice? i wouldn't know.

"i already kind of have my eyes set on someone, but i'm not sure if i should go for him." josh's voice got soft as he looked down at his hands, his cheeks emitting a light blush.

"i think you should. chances are, he might like you back. life is too short to not take risks. ask him out." did you hear that? i think it was my heart breaking over the fact that josh likes someone else and i probably wouldn't have a chance with him. okay, cool.

i never admitted to myself that i was interested in him, but i always feel the need to talk to him or listen to him or just look at him. he made my heart race a thousand miles a minute when he smiled, or butterflies would erupt in my stomach when he talked to me. but, i guess i was just scared of rejection; so i never said that i was interested, but here i am.

"tyler? did you hear me?" josh asked.

"i'm sorry, what did you say?" i was slightly embarrassed that i zoned out thinking about josh.

"i said, in that case, will you go out with me?"

and that's when i started choking on nothing. maybe a piece of dust got in my throat when i gasped at what josh said to me.

"hold on, you want to date _me?"_ i asked after calming down from my coughing fit.

"yeah. i think you're a great person and i want to get to know you better. but not just as friends." josh smiled slightly, his cheeks pink.

"aw, josh. yeah, i'll go out with you. do you want to do something saturday?" i asked, surprised my voice wasn't shaking through my heart racing in my chest.

"yes, please." he smiled sweetly.

oh my god, he's adorable.

on the drive back to his house, i couldn't wipe off that stupid smile i had plastered on my face.


	7. seven ::: acting all coupley and stuff

TYLER

gina came back on tuesday, but stayed home from school on thursday because her flight actually came in at 1am on wednesday. she was here now, and she was busting me and josh's ass for not telling her about us. were we even official? i don't know, all i know is that our date was tomorrow and i was pretty excited.

"really, you two? i would expect it out of my brother but tyler! we're supposed to be best friends and this is huge!" gina said.

we were sitting by some lockers in an empty hallway, school ended over thirty minutes ago. the halls were clean of most of the students.

"gina, we haven't even gone on our date yet." josh said, resting his head on my shoulder.

"okay, but you're going to! and when were you gonna tell me, after your wedding?"

"no, because you'd be my maid of honor at the wedding." i said, rolling my eyes.

"fine. the point is, i'm happy for you two. good job, you're finally dating, oh my god."

i smiled when josh slid his hand into mine and started playing with my fingers. we haven't gone on our date yet, but we sure as hell were acting like a couple.

not that i'm complaining, though.

"so, speaking of dates, how was yours with adrien?" i asked.

"oh, it was wonderful." she looked up at the ceiling with dreamy eyes, her hand on her heart. "he took me out to the eiffel tower, then we went stargazing right near the lake. it was great." she smiled big and i could see a blush on her cheeks, and i smiled to myself.

aw, she must really like him.

"that's sweet." josh looked up at her, titling his head and smiling slightly.

"isn't it? i think he's coming here for vacation in a month or two, but right now, we're talking online."

"you better make sure he's not doing anything stupid behind your back." i reminded her.

"if he does i will personally fly to france and kick some ass." josh punched his hand into his open palm, making a face.

"josh, please. you can't fight." i challenged.

"oh, really? you wanna go?" he raised his eyebrows at me.

"bring it." i rolled my eyes, not thinking he'd do anything.

he pushed me over so that i was on my back and he was on top of me, and he began tickling my sides.

 _oh, no._

i felt the familiar feeling where his fingers were tickling me, and i couldn't help but burst out laughing. he moved all around my stomach, me being the most ticklish _there_ out of all places.

"j-jish! please!"

"please what?" he asked, not stopping.

"s-stop tickling m-m-me!" i tried to say in between my laughter, tears forming at my eyes from laughing too much.

"not unless you surrender!"

"o-okay! i surrender! whatever!"

he stopped, getting off of me and sitting back down against the lockers like he didn't just _attack_ me.

"josh, what was that for?" i asked, trying to calm down from my laughing fit.

"you never specified what _type_ of fighting." he shrugged.

"i hate you."

"wait, where's gina?" he asked, looking up.

i noticed my blonde friend was not there, and so i looked towards the entrance doors to see gina walking down the hall. she turned around.

"bye, lovebirds. josh, i'll see you at home, getting a ride from jenna. bye!" she blew us a kiss and walked out, the chains on her combat boots clinking against them.


	8. eight ::: huh

TYLER

 **djspooks:** _TYLER DO YOU WANNA HAVE A BEACH DATE_

 **tylerhoseph:** _YAAAS I LOVE THE BEACH LETS GO_

 **djspooks:** _OKAY HOW DOES 2 SOUND_

 **tylerhoseph:** _2 IS GOOD ARE YOU PICKING ME UP_

 **djspooks:** _YES I AM_

 **tylerhoseph:** _OKAY JOSHY POO I'LL SEE YOU THEN_

 **djspooks:** _joshy poo?_

 **tylerhoseph:** _ok fine i'll just call u josh_

 **djspooks:** _joshy poo is good_

|-/

i had around an hour to be ready, so i just took off my clothes and put on a pair of my cutest swim trunks that gina helped me pick out a while ago, along with a different shirt. i quickly texted jenna.

 **tylerhoseph** : _JENNA_

 **jennablack:** _TYLER_

 **tylerhoseph:** _WE HAVE TO INITIATE PLAN A AT 2 O'CLOCK_

 **jennablack:** _PLAN A GOT IT HAVE FUN OKAY_

 **tylerhoseph:** _THANKS JENNA LOVE YOU_

"plan a" was what we called it when we wanted to do something with someone else, but we would cover for each other, just in case our parents called. i found out who she was in the park with, this guy named ericc. he seemed nice enough, so i was glad that she was happy.

when josh pulled into my driveway, he called and asked if he should come and get me. i didn't want my mom knowing it was josh and not jenna, so i told him i'd come down.

"mom! i'm going on a date, i'll see you later!" i called from downstairs.

i saw josh's black car and instantly got excited. i was going on a date with a boy that i actually like, that was a first. i got in, greeting him with a kiss on the cheek.

"hi." he smiled.

"hey."

he was shirtless already, a pair of bright green swim trunks on. might i say, he had a nice body. his hair was dyed red now, and he shaved the sides down.

"you look great!" i said, because he did.

"aw, thanks, ty." he backed out of the driveway, looking back at the road.

we headed to the nicest beach we knew of, one that was a couple hours from where i lived. josh and i sang along to the radio in which was playing my chemical romance, even though they weren't together anymore.

"you said you played the drums, right?" i asked him out of nowhere.

"i do."

"we should totally shred together sometime."

he laughed at my choice of words. "what do you play?"

"ukulele, piano, guitar, pretty much everything. i kinda sing and rap sometimes."

"that's sick! sing me a song!" josh said, turning down a street. i could see the large beach up ahead.

"later, when i have my stuff. i don't like singing acapella." he found a parking spot right in front of the sun.

"but tyler." josh pouted.

"later." i got out of the car, waiting for josh to come.

he went to get something out of his trunk, which looked like a large cooler and extra towels.

"just in case." he shrugged, bringing the cooler and towels with us.

we went to rent umbrellas, because man, it was hot out here. i didn't know the first thing about setting up an umbrella, so i let josh do it. i watched as he stuck the umbrella into the sand, his arm muscles rippling underneath his skin. i looked away quickly so he wouldn't notice me staring, the sparkling, bright blue waves catching my attention.

there wasn't a lot of people here today, so that was a plus.

"do you want to share a towel? it's okay if you don't, but it would...you know. save the towels from getting dirty..." josh had a hand behind his neck, the other one holding a towel.

i smiled and took the towel from him, spreading it out underneath our umbrella and sat down on it. i looked up at josh who was standing there awkwardly.

"well, come on, you dork." i patted the spot next to me.

he sat down, and i rested my head on his shoulder, not really in the mood to swim right now. i just wanted to talk, so we did.

"then gina was like 'josh, i need help!' so then i caught her just as she was about to fall off the chair, right? so then i was like 'okay, just play a simple beat', and she was doing good at first, but then she started hitting too hard and accidentally put a hole in my snare drum. so of course that costed money and lots of work to replace, but at least gina could play the drums now." i listened to him talk.

i was wondering why he knew so much about gina, but then i remebered.

"i forgot you were her brother for a second."

"yeah, and we met when we were in sixth grade. remember? when i looked like an egg?"

"i could faintly remember you. you were cute, shut up." i said, memories of josh in giant, thick rimmed glasses and how he used to button his polo all the way to the top flooding my head.

"not as cute as you, you used to wear those cute little suspenders because your pants were always too big."

i cringed at the memory of me wearing black suspenders with my khaki pants, and pretty much all my pants, considering i was a really skinny child and my mom thought i would grow, but i never did until i was a freshman.

"ew, i was disgusting." i made a face.

"you were not." josh patted my cheek with his hands, causing me to smile softly.

"we should build a sandcastle!" i said, seeing a little girl decorating a small one with shells and seaweed.

"okay!" josh took my hand and helped me up, leading me over to the wet sand by the waves.

we began digging up the wet sand, me making a face is it went underneath my fingernails. i liked being here with josh, he made me forget all my worries and like these waves, washed the stress away. i was having fun laughing at him when the waves destroyed his sand castle and helping him make another one.

i liked josh.

"tyler, are you still worried about your mom?" josh asked as we were walking hand and hand to the surf shop to rent surfboards.

i sighed, "yes. and it doesn't help that she's homophobic either. i hear what she calls same sex couples and i see the disappointment and hate in her eyes when we talk about gay people. it makes me sick." my voice involuntarily cracked.

i missed being happy with my mom. why couldn't she just accept me?

just then, josh pulled me in a hug. i didn't want to cry, but i did, and i was embarrassed by it. the other people couldn't see my face since it was buried in josh's neck, but it made me feel horrible.

"ty, i'm so sorry for bringing it up." i could hear the regret in josh's voice.

"it's okay. thank you for caring, though." i pulled away and wiped my eyes, trying my best to smile.

josh held my face in his hand, looking right into my eyes. then i started smiling genuinely for some reason, causing him to smile too. it must've looked weird, two people laughing at each other, holding each other's faces.

"tyler?" he asked after calming down.

"yes?"

"can i kiss you?"

my heart started racing at this, whoa.

"yeah."

i leaned in and closed my eyes, meeting his actually _very_ soft lips, hoping that i was doing it right. his mouth moved against mine slowly, and i felt his hands snake around my waist, holding onto my hips. i held onto the back of his neck, pulling him closer. to say my knees were weak was an understatement.

what were knees?

it was only when we heard someone coo at us when we pulled away, and i blushed deeply, smiling and hiding my face in josh's neck again. josh only laughed and hugged me.

we continued to the surf shop, me very, very giddy that i just kissed josh. well, more like he kissed me, but you get the gist.

when we got there, he picked out a white and yellow one while i got a black and red one. we walked out into the beach again, the setting sun casting a deep yellow glow on the water and sand. there were orange clouds streaking across the sky like a painting, and the birds that flew by were black shadows against the setting sky.

josh and i waded into the water and paddled, trying to find a big wave. i've surfed many times before, but i'm definitely not a pro at it. we found a few and surfed until it got dark, but then we both agreed that it was dangerous to keep surfing at night. we returned the surfboards and packed up our stuff, bringing it to the car. i looked at myself in the mirror of the passenger's seat, i seemed to have gotten a tan.

nice.

josh and i finished the remaining snacks that he brought to the beach in the car, listening to the radio and talking over it occasionally. he dropped me off at my house, shutting off his headlights.

"i had a lot of fun today. thank you for taking me out, josh." i smiled.

"thank you for coming with me."

i kissed his cheek softly, thanking him again and getting out. as soon as i got to my door, i turned and waved at him before going inside.

i leaned against the door frame, sliding down until my butt hit the floor because my knees were weak and i felt like i was floating and i thought i was on drugs but nope. it was josh. i had butterflies in my stomach, and my heart was doing backflips in my chest.

so this is what it's like to date someone.

 _huh._


	9. nine ::: pass it on

TYLER

i walked into school, meeting gina by my locker.

"so...how did it go?" she asked, dragging out the "so" and the "go" part. i assumed she was referring to me and josh's...fifth date? i stopped counting after three.

"it went well." i shrugged, not wanting to make a big deal out of it. i actually took him somewhere this time, down to the shops at red villa. it was cute there, they had nice everything.

she gave me a look, and i couldn't help but smile.

"all right, all right. it's a hell of a feeling, though, being around someone you really like. you know?"

"yes, i know. so you admit it."

"admit what?"

"you like my brother." she teased in a sing-song voice, poking the dimple in my cheek now that i was still smiling at the thought of josh.

"maybe 'like' is a...weak word."

"speak of the devil." gina said, looking past me.

i turned around and was instantly pulled into a kiss by josh, i could tell because of that really nice italian cologne he always wears. he held my back and i put my hands on his shoulders, melting into it.

"hi." he pulled back and smiled, his forehead resting on mine.

"hey." i bit my lip softly and smiled back at him.

"josh! stop kissing my bitch." gina said.

"i hate you."

gina giggled, opening her backpack. "oh, ty. i brought you something from france." she said.

she pulled out a brown paper bag, inside of it was a bunch of yellow wrapped candy bars.

"they're called carambars, and they're so good. eat one now!" she said excitedly.

i took one out of the bag and unwrapped it. i took a bite out of it and wow, it was fucking delicious. i ended up eating three, and i gave josh a few, even though he said gina already gave him a bag.

we were starting the drive to a small cafe gina suggested by the corner of eightieth and one-sixty. since gina came back, she's been obsessed with french food, so she wanted us to try it. will, rob, max, josh, gina, and i were in my car, gina blasting her music through the aux chord.

we pulled up to a small building not too far from school called "la bonne nourriture", i'm pretty sure it meant "the good food" or something. we went in and found a table all the way in the back of the cafe. i sat next to josh, of course, gina next to him, then rob, then will, then max across from us.

a nice looking girl that looked around my age came up to us, a big smile on her face.

"hi, welcome. my name is darcy and i'll be your server today. can i get you started with drinks?"

aw, she was cute.

i, being the simple type, got a glass of water while everyone else got these really weird and complex drinks. i looked up from the menu when i felt someone take my hand. i looked over at josh who was smiling and dipped his head to kiss the back of my hand, releasing it. i blushed at this, the gesture causing me to smile.

i turned my attention back to the menu, reading over the names of the foods.

we finally finished everything, and we still had ten minutes to get back to school. i drove a little faster than the speed limit, but i made sure everyone had their seatbelts on.

safety first.

when we got back to school, we were almost late for our next periods, but i was just thankful that the teacher came in late as well.

towards the end of class, i heard a chorus of whispers behind me. i was trying to pay attention, but i noticed people were passing multiple notes around the classroom from the corner of my eye. everything was written in marker, and it seemed that they were passing them to everyone but me.

i was able to make out some of the words, and i was definitely not okay with it. messages were written in big, swirly handwriting, the ink of the marker bleeding through the paper.

 _josh dun is a fag, pass it on._

 _josh should kill himself. fucking fag._

 _josh and tyler are disgusting, they deserve to die._

i'm sure there were more, but i tried not to think about it. my heart started hurting, and i had a migraine right now. i wanted to go home.

i _needed_ to go home. i felt sick to my stomach.

i quickly packed up my stuff, receiving stares and glances at the noise my books were making. i didn't care.

 _i needed to go._

i picked up my backpack and jumped out of my chair, practically _running_ out of class. my chest was tightening and it was becoming impossible to breathe. there was fire in my throat with every breath, causing my eyes to water. shit, shit. what was happening to me?

 _i needed to go home._

i tried my best to make it to my car, but it felt like my heart was being ripped apart. i kept going, reaching my car. i quickly got in, putting my backpack in the passenger's seat, and leaned my head against the steering wheel trying to calm down.

i focused on trying to take deep breaths, because that weight was getting heavier and heavier _by the second._ i was so scared, this never happened to me before. my heart was beating heavily in my chest and i couldn't breathe.

then i started thinking about all the hurtful words and phrases the notes were saying. were they all around school now? i was remembering all the bullies and punches and kicks and black eyes i would get all the time in middle school for this exact same reason. why was this happening to me? the one time i actually thought i could be happy, why now?


	10. ten ::: rants and bants

JOSH

i was walking down the sidewalk in front of the school, needing to get away from all those jerks.

how could they talk about me and tyler like that? how did they even find out? i was sick of hearing all the whispers and names they called me, i thought we were over that. we're in high school for fuck's sake.

i sighed, feeling myself grow angrier by the minute. i hate this. i just hoped tyler hadn't heard them, i knew it would hurt him physically and mentally. i remember him telling me about how his personal bullies almost drove him to take his life away, but he was saved by my sister. it's amazing how one person could change your entire world, you know?

my attention turned to someone sitting in their car, their hands clutching the steering wheel like their life depended on it, their head resting on them. the person looked like they were crying. i tried to get a closer look, then i remembered.

who else has pink, fuzzy dice on the dashboard of their car?

i rushed over to him, hoping that this was not some random stranger and it was actually _my_ tyler, and it was. my heart was hurting for him, i didn't like seeing him cry. i went over to the passenger's side, knocking on the window gently, causing him to look up.

his eyes were red and watery, his cheeks flushed and puffy. his eyelashes were wet with tears, causing them to stick together. there was snot running down his nose, but i mean, that happens when you cry. i motioned for him to unlock the door, in which he did, and i got in, moving his backpack. i always kept spare tissues in my bag because i had allergies, so i pulled one out and started to clean his face.

"so, i'm guessing you heard the rumors, too, huh?" i sighed.

he only looked down, and more tears started running down his face.

"i'm sorry, josh. i didn't mean for you to get bullied because of me. i'm so sorry."

sorry for what? it's not his fault that we have homophobic shits in our school.

"ty, why are you apologizing?"

"because everyone knows you're dating me now. this is exactly how it was in middle school. rumors would spread, and the rumors turned into beatings. i'm sorry you have to go through all of that because of me." his voice quivered.

"tyler," i lifted his chin up with my fingers after i finished cleaning his face, "you are the most beautiful human being i have ever laid eyes on. i mean, seriously, what is there not to love? i love it when you smile, your dimple pops out and your eyes get all squinty. i love your laugh, it's so cute. i love the way you dress and your jokes and just..." i sighed, "i love _you._ so just because there are homophobes in this school doesn't mean it's going to change us or the way i feel about you."

"josh-"

"yeah, i said it. _i love you,_ goddammit. and i'm proud of it, i get to love an amazing guy." i said, sitting back in the seat i was in.

"i'm not amazing." tyler started smiling a bit, looking down.

"one day, i will make you believe you are lovely. you just wait."

tyler smiled at this, a dimple adorning his cheeks. he was perfect.

"josh, i'm not sure if i'm ready for love yet. i like you a lot, don't get me wrong, but i just don't know how to love. please don't break up with me." tyler bit his lip and his eyes began to water again.

i leaned over the armrest of the car and pulled him into a soft kiss. nothing major, but it still got my point across.

"ty, i'm willing to wait for you. whatever it takes. you don't even have to say it back, i just want you to know that i love you."

he nodded, and kissed me again. i didn't mind that he couldn't say it back now. he would with time, and i was willing to wait for him.

"i want to go home." tyler said after a moment of just looking out the window.

"okay, do you want me to meet you at your house or something?"

"wait, but my mom. can i come over to your house?"

"yeah, i'm sure gina wouldn't mind."

tyler followed me to my house, and we put our stuff by the door, kicking our shoes off. i looked at him for any idea of what he wanted to do, but he just took my hand and led me upstairs into my room. he jumped on the bed, scooting over a bit and held his arms out like a small child.

i smiled and joined him, my stomach erupting in butterflies as he cuddled into my chest and held onto my waist, his fists balling up in my shirt. in combination with the darkness of my room and tyler's body heat, i found myself drifting off into sleep.

something like that.


	11. eleven ::: down in the forest

JOSH

the rumors started to become unbearable.

every day someone would have something to say to me or tyler. i've heard them all, and they're really starting to get to me. i've tried to keep myself from showing any emotion over it, but it's like they feed off of it. i've been trying to stay strong for tyler, i really have, but i don't know if i'll be able to stay strong for myself.

"fag." i heard someone call out in the sea of students as i walked through the crowded hallway, interrupting my thoughts.

"disgusting." another one.

"just fucking die." that one hurt the most.

i put my head down, feeling tears prickle at my eyes. hearing shit like this every day was really tiring me out. and not the go-to-sleep kind of way. i haven't seen tyler today, and my only wish was that he was okay.

i stopped at my locker, leaning my head against the rusting, blue-paint chipped metal door.

 _wow, i probably should've stayed inside my house._

i waited for the bell to ring, so the hallway would clear out and i could just skip homeroom or something. when the halls were empty of the murmurs and whispers, i turned and leaned against my locker, sighing and slumping against them. i laid my head in my hands, my head beginning to hurt.

"joshy poo?"

i'd recognize that voice anywhere.

i looked up to see my beautiful boyfriend, his features soft and calm even through all of this mess. it's strange how in just a few days, the whole school could hate you. will, rob, and maxine stopped talking to us because of this, and even brendon and sarah who we were just starting to be friends with got caught up in the rumors. we only had gina, and even then there was only so much she could do to help.

"hi." i smiled slightly, putting my head in my hands again.

"so, i found out who started the rumors." tyler said, sitting down crisscross-applesauce next to me.

"who?" i asked.

"will."

i sighed loudly, of course it was will. he seemed shady to me from the get go, but i just never thought he would do that to tyler.

"i'm sorry, babe." i said, shooting him a look and looking down at the floor.

"nah, don't be. will's always been a snake, i'm not surprised." he shrugged.

'it feels like we're in our own personal nightmare. i hate being bullied and teased about who i am and what i like."

"it's like middle school all over again." tyler said solemly, his eyes puffy and red.

"tyler?"

"yeah?"

"i want to leave."

"let's go. i'll take you for a ride." he got up and held his hand out to me, helping me up. i grabbed my backpack and gave him his before we made our way to the exit.

"i'm so over school. this is bullshit." he said, clutching my hand tightly as we left the school.

"maybe we could, you know...talk to will. i just want to talk..." he knew i didn't want to talk. i hated will for making us go through this.

"will hasn't been in school for the past two days. and i think he got a schedule change or something, he has no classes with me anymore."

"well, good, at least you don't have to see him everyday."

"yeah, i guess that's a plus. and-"

tyler stopped walking with me and looked straight ahead at the parking lot. his mouth was open and his eyes were wide. i looked to where his eyes were, and my heart started thumping loudly in my chest. there was graffiti written all over his black bmw, the words "die, fag" in big, white letters. there were also drawings of...you know.

tyler then dropped to his butt, sitting down and covering his eyes with his hands.

"i can't believe this." he muttered under his breath, his hands now covering his mouth as he looked at his car.

i went over to the paint and streaked my finger in it, it was still wet.

"tyler! do you have a water bottle?"

"yeah."

i gestured for him to give it to me while i got tissues from my bag. it was ratchet, but the best we could do for now. he gave me a full, cold water bottle and i got to work with pouring a little bit on his car and wiping away the messages. there were more, but i really don't want to think about them. soon, his entire car was clean enough, just discolored water from the paint spotting the black paint, but it should come off in a car wash or something.

i was thankful that they were idiots and used water-based spray paint.

tyler and i then drove to his house after i texted gina that she could drive the car home, as i was going with tyler. we eventually reached my house after him saying his mom was going to be home and he didn't want to see her.

we were now on the couch, sitting down and doing our stupid biology homework, even though i wasn't sure if i wanted to go back to school tomorrow. tyler groaned, throwing his binder across the room, his papers flying out. he rolled off of the couch and was face down on the floor, his arms at his sides.

"joooooosh, i don't wanna do thiiiis."

"okay, let's take a break."

"can we shred?" he asked.

"can we what?"

"shred."

i thought about that time we went to the beach.

"oh. yeah, the drums are downstairs."

he pulled out a small, shiny brown instrument from his backpack, it looked like a ukulele.

i led him into the basement, pulling the chain to turn on the lightbulb hanging from the ceiling. it lit up the room to reveal a couch, working television, game console, and my shiny drums, as well as other instruments i thought i would like but never played.

tyler gasped. "you have a piano!"

"i do."

"i want to play a song." tyler said, sitting down on the piano seat.

"okay." i sat down in the little chair in front of my drums.

tyler began playing a tune, pressing his fingers lightly on the piano keys.

 _i ponder of something great._

 _my lungs will fill and then deflate._

 _they fill with fire, exhale desire,_

 _i know it's dire my time today._

 _i have these thoughts so often i ought_

 _to replace that slot with what i once bought_

 _'cause somebody stole_

 _my car radio_

 _and now i just sit in silence._

 _sometimes quiet is violent._

 _i find it hard to hide it,_

 _my pride is no longer inside._

 _it's on my sleeve,_

 _my skin will scream,_

 _reminding me_

 _of who i killed inside my dream,_

 _i hate this car that i'm driving._

 _there's no hiding for me._

 _i'm forced to deal with what i feel,_

 _there is no distraction to mask what is real._

 _i could pull the steering wheel._

 _i have these thoughts_

 _so often i ought_

 _to replace that slot_

 _with what i once bought,_

 _'cause somebody stole_

 _my car radio_

 _and now i just sit in silence._

i decided his music should have a friend, so i started playing a simple beat on my drums, but it was complex enough to keep the music flowing.

by now, tyler and i were just listening to each other play. occasionally i would see him smile while he was playing. this is one of the reasons why i love him, he got so passionate when it came to the things he loved. he finished the song with another rap after that, raising his voice for a few ending verses.

we looked at each other, and smiled.

"that sounded amazing." he said, coming over to me.

"it did. we should totally do it again sometime. maybe we could write a song together!" i got excited.

"you write?" his eyes got bigger.

"sometimes i'll just write down my thoughts and make them rhyme, add a little this, add a little that, and then boom. song."

"you know what we should do right now?" he asked.

"eat food?"

"well, yes, but we should also go on an adventure for inspiration."

"let's go."

|-/

tyler and i just drove into nowhere.

we had no set destination or strand of idea of where we could go, but we just knew the possibilities were endless. i loved being free, escpecially with tyler. he made me feel safe, like i was not alone.

"josh?" tyler's voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

"yeah?" i looked over to him for a split second, but turned my attention back to the road.

"look, it's a forest. you wanna explore it?"

i smirked, pulling over in the grass right in front of the forest. i just hoped we wouldn't get lost.

we got out, connecting our hands together for, you know, safety. we continued to walk into the ocean of green trees, their trunks stretching all the way up to the orange sky and were silhouettes against the setting sun. i observed the butterflies that flew through the bushes of flowers and the insects that buzzed around me.

the only thing that could be heard aside from that were me and ty's feet crunching twigs and leaves on the ground. it smelled like pine out here, and i could faintly hear water running in the distance. we walked towards it, and soon we were closing in on a creek decorated with fallen branches and flowers.

i looked back, i could barely see the car through the trees. we were in pretty far. tyler let go of my hand and picked up a small, flat rock. he started singing a song as he skipped the rock on the stream.

"a-tisket, a-tasket, a green and yellow basket. i wrote a letter to my love but on the way i dropped it."

why he was singing this particular tune, i don't know. all i know is that it was one of my favorites as a kid, so i sang along with him.

"i dropped it, i dropped it, and, on the way i dropped it, a little boy picked it up and put it in his pocket."

we soon started singing nursery rhymes and swinging our hands back and forth between us, swinging them higher and higher every time as we skipped through the forest. we are literally five year olds.

"josh?"

"huh?"

"tag, you're it."

"oh, you're on, bunny boy."

he ran away from me, deeper into the forest. i could only see his shadow run through the silhouettes of the trees, the leaves crunching loudly underneath his feet.

i chased after him, catching up to him until i saw him hide behind a wide tree. i took a different route to make sure he couldn't see me, and while he was looking for me from behind the tree, i surprised him when he turned around. i held onto his waist as he gasped loudly.

"tag, you're it." i whispered in his ear, kissing his cheek and running in the opposite direction.

we decided that two rounds was enough exercise, so we sat in a pile of dead leaves, watching the sun set. i was leaning up against a tree while tyler was between my legs, leaning back against me. i was comfortable, being here with him.

"i could do this all day." i said, more to myself, but i'm pretty sure tyler heard me anyways.

"same. we should have adventures every day. i love being out here with you."

"i love _you."_ that one kind of slipped.

he relaxed into my chest, resting his head on my shoulder.

"i love you, too."


	12. twelve ::: gotta blast

TYLER

it was saturday today, and i wanted to go on a date with josh.

i told him i loved him a few days ago, because i did.

i'm pretty sure 'love' is when you can't stand not being around that one person, or instantly feeling excited and happy when they see you from across the room. i think it's when you long to hold that one person close to you, or just to hear their voice. it's when you want to spend every minute with them, because you know they'll bring happiness and good vibes with them. it's like when you get an a+ on a test, you can't help but feel giddy all day.

except this time, josh was my test, and i was getting the best grades possible.

 _josh_ was love.

and i was so thankful i had him.

my thoughts were interrupted when my mom told me jenna was here to pick me up. she made me go on a date with her, not that i really minded considering jenna and i lounge around her house all day when her parents weren't home or stay at a cafe and eat food. anything we want to, really.

the only problem was that i was meeting her family today, and they didn't know about our situation.

you know, the one that we both love different people that we're not supposed to be hanging out with. my mom came into my open door, smiling at me and fixing my tie. i was uncomfortable in this suit, it could barely move my arms and i had like, three shirts on.

the tie was choking me, and not in the good way.

i walked downstairs, opening the door for jenna. she looked beautiful.

her silky, blonde hair was tied up in a bun, tresses caressing her lightly made-up face. there was black liner and soft browns and golds lining her stunning blue eyes, her lips the center of attention with a bright red lipstick showing them off. she wore silver jewelry that shone in the setting sunlight and silver heels, along with a greenish-blue gown that had a slit in it, showing her long legs off.

"you look gorgeous." i said, because she did.

"thanks, babe!" she said gratefully. she smelled really good. "you look handsome."

"thanks. shall we?" i bent my arm for her to take it, and she snaked her arm around mine, walking towards her car.

i opened the door for her, and got in on my side. i decided to drive, since i didn't want her feet to hurt in her heels. we were away from my house, jenna then leaning the seat back and resting her feet on the dashboard.

"ugh, these heels hurt so bad. if it were up to me, i would go to mcdonald's in my converse and flannel with a snapback on my head, but nope. i don't know why my mother insisted on me wearing this shit." she rolled her eyes, looking out the window.

"we should do something else."

"like what?"

"do you want to go to dinner, but instead of actually eating dinner, we should sample all of the desserts?"

"tyler, you're a genius."

"i know." i said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"there's a great restaurant that has really good cookies, but i've never tried anything else. we should go."

"okay, but first i have to meet your family."

"oh yeah." her face went blank and she looked out the window again.

|-/

"hello, jenna. ah, you must be mr. joseph. how are you today?" a tall, blonde lady greeted us at the door of jenna's house, dressed up almost exactly like jenna.

"hello, mrs. black. i'm alright, and yourself?" i said politely right on cue.

"pleasant, thank you. won't you come in?" she moved aside for us to come inside the house.

the blacks always had a nice house, three stories with a spiral staircase, about ten bedrooms. it was custom made, her parents knocked it down and built a new one, more modern and definitely bigger than the original.

i walked inside, jenna taking me to sit on the couch. i smelled something really good, maybe it was fish? i also noticed other things, but i couldn't exactly lay my finger down on the exact smell.

"mr. joseph, jenna, we've prepared dinner for you two. we're just waiting on jack to come downstairs."

 **(A.N. get it like jack black i'm hilarious i know)**

a few moments later, jenna's dad came downstairs in a suit, smiling at us.

"hello, mr. joseph, jenna. let us eat?"

the dinner was really uncomfortable.

jenna's parents kept asking about us, the reasons why we think we would be good for one another and so on. i could tell she was just as uncomfortable as me by the way her eyes darted around the room when they spoke or when she poked at her food with her fork.

it ended quickly by her parents talking to me about how i should take care of their daughter and to make sure i had goals in life, to pick a good job and make lots of money, blah, blah, blah.

"i can't take this anymore." jenna whispered to me as her parents were in the kitchen. "we need to tell them. they would be fine with it, i'm one hundred percent sure. tell them with me?"

i looked at her, her eyes filled with hope. to be honest, i was sick of it, too. i wanted to be able to hang out with jenna and _not_ have to act like a couple. she was literally my best friend, and we should be able to act like best friends. i nodded my head, it was time. her parents came back in with weird drinks in their hands, different colors with different fruit decorating the glass.

"mom, dad, tyler and i have something to tell you."

|-/

well, it went better than expected.

we outright told them the truth, about us, even about my mother. they nodded in understanding, saying that they just wanted the best for jenna and that she should do whatever she wants to make sure she was happy. as for me, they said i was still welcome in the house and that i should probably bring this up to my mom.

they gave us big hugs and sent us along our way, to the restaurant jenna told me about. driving to the restaurant, jenna and i couldn't stop smiling about the whole thing. it's like the screen on my chest disappeared, and they wouldn't find out about josh.

not yet.

i found a parking spot pretty close to the entrance of the restaurant, me leading jenna to it. i held her hand, her manicured fingers interlocked with mine.

"hi, welcome to the velvet rose." the lady said to me from behind the little counter, a couple of menus in her hand.

"hi, can we have a table, please?" i asked, smiling politely.

"sure. follow me." she gestured her head and began walking towards the back of the restaurant, sitting us down at a small table.

she gave us the menus and walked away, jenna and i flipping straight through to the dessert section. i pointed and gasped as i saw they had tiramisu here, my favorite. jenna looked at the different flavors of cream puffs they had.

"tyler, i can't choose. help."

"eh, let's just get all of it."

"hi, my name is seanna and i'll be serving you two today. what can i get you started off with?" a lady came over to our table, her dyed maroon hair in a ponytail. she reminded me of josh. i wonder what he's doing right now. probably playing video games or watching the nightmare before christmas.

again.

"tyler?" jenna snapped me out of my thoughts.

"huh?"

"what do you want to drink?"

then i remembered jenna and i were here for one thing only.

"let me get a giant glass of milk, please. like, the biggest glass you own."

"milk? alright. are you ready to order?" seanna jotted our orders on the notepad she was holding.

"yeah, can we just get everything on the dessert menu?" jenna asked, looking down at it.

"everything on the dessert menu?"

"yes, please."

seanna gave us a weird look, but wrote that down and left.

"we're going to have the biggest stomachaches on this planet." i said, already deciding that this was definitely _not_ a good idea.

|-/

and i was correct.

we had a sugar rush, literally eating everything that we ordered. jenna tried all of her cream puffs and i ate the cheesecakes, but i didn't forget the other stuff either. we paid and left the restaurant, skipping down the sidewalk to my car. yes, jenna was still wearing her heels.

we started giggling for no reason when we got in the car, and then started full on laughing.

"what's so funny?" i asked between giggles.

"i don't know!" jenna started bursting out laughing again.

then i thought of an idea.

"jenna!"

"what?"

"you know what we should do now?!"

"what?!"

"we should go to the club!"

"wait, what?"

"yeah, the club."

she gave me a look, but shrugged. "okay, i'm down."

we drove into town and soon found a shady looking club with two bouncers by the entrance. i knew we didn't have a password or code like how you'd see in the movies, but we gave it a shot anyway.

"hey, man. are you on the list?" the burly bouncer's gruff voice asked me.

"of course, we both are. tyler and jenna."

the bouncer looked through the list of names and eyed us as he flipped through all of the pages on his clipboard. i shot him a smile as he kept looking through and giving me looks.

"you're not on here." he squinted at me.

"yes, we are. look harder, man."

"go away, kid. you're too young to be here."

"i'm offended! i will have you know that i am practically an adult."

"i didn't ask for your life story. get out of here, now!"

i didn't know what i was doing, but i really wanted to get in to this club. so i ran past the guards into the building, jenna following right behind me. i ran through the crowd of people after hearing a "hey!" from the bouncers, surfing my way through the waves of sweaty people and the smell of liquor.

i started giggling, this adrenaline rush was thrilling. it was fun being chased and going against the rules. i felt big, calloused hands on my waist, turning around when they touched me. i seemed to have lost jenna, but i came face to face with a really nice looking guy.

"hi, can i buy you a drink?" he asked.

"uh, sure." i said absentmindedly, looking around for any of the bouncers.

i didn't see any, so i went with this guy to the bar, sitting down and facing him while he ordered two beers. what the hell? if you're going to buy me a drink, get me like, a sex on the beach or tequila sour.

but i mean, beer was okay, i guess.

"so, what brings you here?" he asked, resting his arm on the counter.

"i just ran past the bouncers, and now i'm here." i shrugged.

"ah, i see. you're more on the wild side. i like that." he bit his lip, and smiled, looking up at my through his long, dark lashes.

 _gotta blast, quick. go, tyler! what are you doing! you have a boyfriend who wouldn't be happy knowing you're doing stupid shit._

i was right. but this guy was really attractive. he had dark hair, olive skin, and green eyes. sharp jawline and everything. he was wearing tight clothes, the black shirt he had on letting me see that he was in _really_ good shape.

the bartender came back with two full mugs of frothy beer, me taking a small sip considering that i've never drank alcohol before. fuck, this shit was nasty. i set it down, not really making a big deal of it.

"what do you say we continue this at my place?"

 _oh, no._

"uh, i'm actually here with my girlfriend." i said referring to the jenna that was lost in the sea of people.

"bring her too." he winked.

i stuttered, my cheeks going red and my eyes scanning everything but him. _oh god,_ i was embarrassed. just then, jenna came up to me.

"tyler! there you are!" her gown was torn and dirty, her bare feet walking along the floor of the club.

"what happened to you?" i asked.

"one of the bouncers caught me and ripped my dress when i tried to escape. my parents are going to be so mad." she looked down at her dress worriedly, then stopped. "eh, whatever." she shrugged. "i'm tired, can we leave, ty?"

"yes!" i said a little too eagerly, just glad i could get out of this musty club. "thanks for the drink." i smiled at the guy who bought me the beer, chugging a little bit down so i didn't _completely_ waste his money. i grimaced, it tasted like butthole.

jenna and i were soon found by the bouncers and were slung across their shoulders, being carried out of the club. they literally _threw_ us out, jenna's torn dress getting even more dirty and my suit ripping a little. we went back to the car, my heart still pounding from the encounters of tonight.

"whoa." jenna said.

"i know. that was so crazy!" i said, pulling out of the space we parked in and drove off.

"did you see the bouncer's face when he caught us?"

"he wanted to kill us, oh my god."

"and that really hot guy, who was he?"

"i don't know, he bought me a drink though."

"you should've gotten his number!"

i probably should tell her about josh now.

"actually, i wouldn't be able to do that. it's not right."

"what do you mean?"

and that's when i went on a rant about josh. i talked about how beautiful he was, how his personality always shone through and he brightened up my day.

 _josh sun._

how he was not afraid to try new things and always wanted to have a good time.

 _josh fun._

how he always likes making stupid jokes and making me laugh.

 _josh pun._

i had to stop myself from droning on and on about him, because i honestly could talk about him all day. i've only been dating him for a couple of months, but i really like josh.

"wow, tyler. you must really love him."

"i think i do."

jenna smiled at me, and looked back over to the window.

"how about you? how's ericc?" i asked.

"he's amazing. you know he plays the drums?"

 _"really?"_

jenna then filled me in on how they met at a concert, him being one of the people who decided to crowd surf and land right on top of jenna. she sprained her wrist because of it, but they were happy together. and i was happy that she was happy.

i reached my house, remembering that this was jenna's expensive car i was in, and let myself out. she got out too, and i pulled her into a hug.

"thanks for a great night, tyler. i'm surprised we aren't dead." she said into my shoulder, giggling a bit.

"we're going to be when our parents see our clothes. we'll have a lot of explaining to do." i sighed, dreading that i was going to have to tell my mom that i went into a club with jenna after telling her parents that we weren't dating.

"bye, babe. love you." she smiled and went into her car, turning on the headlights and driving away.

i went to the door, seeing that all the lights were off, so my mom was probably sleeping. my heart pounded as i realized i didn't have my key, so i was ultimately locked out of my house. i sighed, trying to figure out what i would do, until i remembered that big ass tree by my window that i hate so much.

i started climbing it, sticking my feet in the little nooks and dips that were in the tree, holding onto branches and making my way up. i reached my window after _much_ work, trying to open it. it was unlocked, thankfully, but i still wondered why i never locked my window. i should probably do that from now on.

i got inside my bedroom, stripping off my clothes down to my underwear and flopping on my bed, drifting off to sleep.


	13. thirteen ::: fragile

TYLER !

i woke up normally, squinting my eyes as i was attacked by the bright sunlight outside, illuminating the dust specks floating through the air. i checked my phone, and noticed gina had kiked me.

 **gigihadun:** _tyler_

 **gigihadun:** _is josh with you_

 **gigihadun:** _he said he needed to go_

 **gigihadun:** _he won't pick up his phone_

 **gigihadun:** _tyler please tell me he's with you_

what? we were just together on friday. i stared at her messages.

 **gigihadun:** _he's not with his friends either_

that's when my heart started beating fast as it dawned on me that josh is missing. he could be hurt for all i know, maybe even-

i told her i would call her if i found him, and started to think of places he would be. not his house definitely, maybe the park? it was close to my house, so i went outside and started the walk there, my hands clammy as they clutched my phone, waiting for a text or anything to let me know josh was okay.

what-ifs and maybes were flooding my mind, my sparks of hope sinking in the quicksand that is my doubts. i just hoped he was okay. i reached the park, children running and people taking a relaxing stroll, some were holding hands and laughing.

i walked towards the abandoned playground, instantly seeing a body against the opposite wall through the dirty glass in the little house. maybe it was josh?

i ran forward, my heart beating fast again. i noticed a few strands of red hair through the dirty glass as i got near it, and i felt hopeful. i climbed up the little wall, ducking and crawling through the tube that led to the hut. i looked up to see josh's eyes widen as he looked at me, surprised. his pretty eyes were watery and red and puffy, and i was wishing i had his tissues to clean them.

"joshy?" i asked, sitting crisscross-applesauce when i fully got inside the hut. it was pretty dark in here, the only source of light was the bright sun that "shone" through the dirty glass, lighting up a small part of the hut.

"hi, ty." he smiled solemnly.

"talk to me."

he sat with his arms crossed and his legs tucked underneath them, like a ball. he looked hurt. both mentally and physically. he was staring down, his eyes glassy and red, the dark circles underneath his eyes puffy.

"the rumors...they're getting worse. the bullies know where i _live_ now! yesterday, they wrote mean words on me and gina's house in spray paint, and it was regular paint, so i can't wash it off. then they threw rocks at my window and it broke the glass, running away and shouting stuff at me. i-i-i can't take it anymore, tyler. i don't want gina to g-go through this with me. maybe i should just...go." he tried to talk through his tears.

"what are you talking about, josh?" i asked, honestly fearing the worst at this point.

"maybe i should go somewhere else, like a better place." he shrugged his gaze never leaving the ground.

i swallowed the lump of concern in my throat as i followed his stare to the floor, but stopped halfway when i saw them. my heart broke even more and i wondered why.

i wondered _why_ he had bloodied bandages wrapped around his wrists.

"josh..." i said carefully, reaching out to see them. "please tell me you dropped a piece of glass or something."

he didn't say a word, he just looked zoned out as i held one of his wrists out to me. they were very bloody, as if he just did it not too long ago. my heart started aching as i looked at my boyfriend's damaged frame. he looked really tired, deep bags underneath his eyes and his face looked a little sunken in.

"why?" i asked, starting to tear up myself as i still had his wrist in my hand. why would josh do this to himself?

"they're so mean. so mean." he pulled his wrist away from me, using both of them as a shield to cover his eyes when he started crying.

i crawled over to him and hugged him tightly, sniffling. it's hard seeing someone you love in so much pain. i wish i could just take his hurting away so he wouldn't suffer anymore. i hated seeing josh so upset. he hugged me back tightly, shaking and crying in my shoulder. i didn't even mind that my shirt was getting wet.

"i'm sorry, tyler." he said, his voice muffled in my shirt.

"don't be sorry, baby. it's not your fault. but i promise you, we will get through this. together. one way or another." i said, trying to assure him.

"how do you know?"

"because right now, we only have each other. it's us against the world."

josh and i stayed in the little hut until sunset, me somehow managing to make him feel better and even laugh. i loved when he laughed, he just looked so happy and his eyes would crinkle up and his dimples would crease his cheeks.

i loved josh.

"thank you, tyler. i really needed you." josh said, smiling slightly.

"anytime. please, josh. if you ever want to talk, text me and i'll be at your house in a second. please try and not hurt yourself." i said, looking into his pretty eyes that now had a strip of orange glow in them because of the sun.

he nodded, pulling me forward and hugging me again, kissing my cheek repeatedly.

"yeah, i love you too, josh." i giggled.


	14. fourteen ::: beatings

TYLER !

here i was, back at hell.

i walked through the hallways, getting used to the slurs and phrases that were thrown at me, each one feeling like a punch to the face. for the past couple of days, josh has been getting worse. there were bandages on his stomach now, and gina told me that she found him on the bathroom floor the other day with his wrists bloodied, unconscious. i was worried for him, what if he does something extreme?

he doesn't want to leave his house, i tried to take him out the other day, but he said he didn't feel like coming out. hopefully, i'd see him at school today. will has turned so many more people against us, there isn't one class where i didn't get teased or bullied. i hated this.

i was snapped out of my thoughts when i heard a loud banging from down the hallway. they had emptied, except for a small group surrounding something. i looked forward to try to see it, but i was blocked by the cluster of people cheering and shouting.

what the fuck?

i walked towards them, trying not to get noticed, when i heard yelling and cries of pain. it sounded familiar. just as i was about to see what was happening, the late bell rang and everybody scampered to their classes, leaving a bloodied body on the floor slumped against the lockers. i was not prepared for what i was about to see.

"josh!"

he was covered in his own blood, from his nose and mouth to his re-opened wounds on his wrists. he covered his head with his arms, shaking while he sobbed into them.

"josh, come on, we're going to get help."

"i-i'm so sick of this, tyler. it h-hurts." he sniffled, his tears washing away the blood from around his eyes.

"please, josh. come with me." i pleaded, i really needed to get him to a hospital.

"i-it hurts." he said again.

i bit my lip, not really knowing what to do.

he probably couldn't walk, and i couldn't call out for help considering the whole school hates us. i pulled out my phone and dialed the emergency number, putting the phone up to my ear with shaky hands as i watched my boyfriend stop shaking.

"9-1-1, what's your emergency?"

"hi, my boyfriend just got badly beaten up. he's bleeding everywhere, and i don't think he could walk. can you please send help?" my heart dropped as he blinked slowly, looking forward into nothing.

"what's your address?"

i told her the address of the school, my voice quivering as josh went completely limp. she told me to stay on the phone with her and check for vitals, and his heart was still beating.

just very, very slowly.

an ambulance finally came, people who were coming out of classes were going outside and watching what was happening. my eyes were becoming teary as josh was put on a gurney and taken inside the ambulance. i texted gina as it sped away with him, telling her that i'd be going to the hospital to be with him.

i sighed, stopping to take a breath as i sat in my car.

 _josh, please be okay._

|-/

i tapped my foot impatiently on the waxed, tile floor of the hospital.

it smelled like latex gloves and i'm sure the blinding lights on the ceiling showed everyone who walked by how bad i looked. my face was puffy from crying all day, my eyes had deep creases in them, and my lip was probably swollen from biting them for the four hours that i've been waiting for josh to be well enough for visitors.

or something to let me know he was alive.

a nurse came towards me with her black hair tied in a bun, a pen through it.

"mr. joseph?" she asked.

i stood up quickly and rushed over to her, eager for her to tell me anything.

"okay, i have good news and bad news. which one first?"

"tell me the good news."

"josh is alive, his vitals are okay and he's breathing. the bad news?"

i raised my eyebrows for her to keep going.

"josh is sleeping. we don't know when he'll wake up."


	15. fifteen ::: weakness

TYLER

when i told gina, i couldn't help but cry with her. we don't know when or if he'll wake up, but at least he's alive.

 _stay alive, josh. stay alive, for me._

it's been three days since then, gina going to the hospital the first couple of days, and me going yesterday. i was planning on going today after school, if i could even make it through the day. my grades have been dropping, so of course the school called my mom asking why an a+ student's grades fell so low.

i came up with some bullshit excuse, not telling her about josh. she would kill me.

i sighed, meeting gina by my locker. she looked like shit, but i guess i did too.

"hey." she said, sighing as well.

"hi. how is he?"

"the same. not getting better, not getting worse."

"i fucking hate will." i said out loud.

"yeah? well i hate you, too." i heard his voice behind me. his stupid, annoying voice.

of course this got the attention of everyone in the hallway. i turned around, my heart beating with the encounter i was about to make, but still determined to not let him see my pain. what he's put me and josh through.

"i hate you, tyler. i hate you and i hate josh, the both of you together _disgust_ me. you two being all happy together, you're fake! how the fuck could you be happy knowing you're a disgrace to your mom and the whole world? boys are supposed to be with girls, not other boys. i fucking hate that you two are together, it's disgusting." he sneered in my face, his breath bouncing off of my mouth.

"fuck you, will. you mean nothing to me. the reason i'm happy is because i have josh, and i don't need your lame ass telling me what to do. we're almost adults, but yet you're spreading rumors about me and josh like you're in elementary school because you can't stand the fact that josh and i are happy together. i'm sorry, but i don't think your right hand could love you." i pushed him back, fed up with him.

he didn't say anything, just looked at me with so much hate and anger. i didn't care, i slammed my locker closed and walked towards my homeroom, not wanting to deal with anymore fuckery that i already dealt with just this morning.

|-/

school was finally over, me and gina eating lunch somewhere else this time. we didn't want to eat alone at school, we'd rather eat alone at panera.

i rushed to my car, speeding off to the hospital. i checked in with the nurse when i got there, the pit-pat of my beat up vans hitting the tiled floor was the only thing i could focus on over the jumble of voices from the nurses and doctors.

i finally reached his room, seeing josh with his hair disheveled and his leg in a cast, resting on a pillow. he looked so peaceful, his eyes were closed and his lips were parted as his chest was rising and falling with his intakes of breath. i sighed, going over to him and sitting on the chair that was already next to his bed. i held his hand, maybe he could feel it?

"josh, i don't know if you can hear this like how they do in the movies, but i just want to tell you stuff. today, will confronted me, saying he didn't like us together. you would be so proud of me, i told him off." i chuckled lightly to myself at the way i said it. "but enough about me, how are you doing? like, i know you can't speak, but are you okay?"

i licked my lips, not knowing what else to talk about.

"if you can actually hear me, just know that i love you a lot and i miss you. i can't wait until you're better so we could go on dates. there's this really cool spot that gina and i discovered, we should check it out together."

i realized then that josh really can't do anything right now. i'd be alone, without josh for who knows how long. right now, it was just me. but i would fight for both of us.

i know i can.

i shakily let out a breath, leaning on my elbows next to josh. his wrists were wrapped in clean bandages, the bullies definitely re-opening the cuts. tears fell from my eyes that i didn't even know were there, surprising me.

josh was in a coma, and there was nothing i could do about it.

 _another tear._

everybody hates me at school.

 _another one._

my mom is homophobic.

that's when i hid my face in my hands, crying into them. everything was so overwhelming, i don't know how long i could take this. but i wouldn't let them get to me.

i wouldn't let them see my weakness.


	16. sixteen ::: lying's all i've learned

TYLER !

i was getting ready to go to school, until my mom busted into my room.

"tyler joseph! who is _josh?"_ she said with the most disgusted face i've ever seen anybody make.

"just a friend." i said, swallowing thickly and continued getting dressed.

she roughly grabbed my shoulders, twisting me around to face her.

"tell me the truth, dammit. who is josh?"

"okay, fine. you really want to know the truth? josh is my boyfriend."

"he's your what?"

"he's my boyfriend. and i love him a lot."

"excuse me?"

"yeah, mom. i told you. i'm gay."

and that's when i received the hardest slap across my face that the neighbors could probably hear it. my head tilted with it, me looking at the wall in pain and shock. i lightly touched my cheek, looking in my mirror. my entire cheek was pink, stinging like crazy.

"you will never say those words to me again, do you understand?" she pointed in my face.

"no! that's who i am and you're not going to change that!"

"you need to break up with him." she pointed in my face.

"no. i love him." i tried to walk past her to the door, but she pushed me.

 _as i was walking down the stairs._

the stairs that jutted from the floor hit me in every place, my body definitely going to have bruises later. i arched my back in pain as i reached the bottom, groaning as my head hit the floor. i heard a ringing in my ears and looked up to see my mom's mouth moving and her eyebrows knitted together as she came down the stairs.

 _i was afraid._

i got up quickly, shaking my head to clear the ringing and ran into the kitchen behind the counter.

"-faggot!"

i stopped. my mom said that?

"you're disgusting and i want you out of here!"

that was her voice. those words hurt so badly.

i was disgusting? if my mom said it, then it must be true. she told me she would never lie to me.

i then got hit in the face and felt my shirt tighten around my neck. i looked up to see my mom with her fist in the air, holding my shirt and getting ready to hit me again. i prepared for another blow, and she punched me again.

and again.

and again.

 _and again._

why was she doing this to me? i didn't do anything wrong, did i?

"mom...please. stop." i said through my crying, my vision blurry because of the salty tears. i could only see out of one eye, the other one stinging and throbbing.

she threw me down to the ground.

"you were a mistake. if i would've known you were gay i would've never had you!"

i curled up in a ball as she yelled these angry words at me, kicking me hard in my stomach. she kept kicking me over

and over,

 _and over._

my entire body was numb as i watched her walk out of the kitchen, her bedroom door slamming against the wall. i was shaking and sobbing, why would my mom do this to me? i thought she loved me.

i was wrong about a lot of things, i guess.

|-/

i tried to walk into the hospital like normal, but my stomach prohibited me from doing that.

my mom really bruised up my sides, and it hurt to walk, to even lay down. thinking about what happened yesterday caused the lump in my throat to choke me. i hated this.

i smiled politely at the nurse at the front desk as they gave me worried glances, signing in and going to see josh. i sat down with much effort in the chair, holding josh's hand again.

"hey, joshy poo, it's me. i'm kind of in a tough spot, my mom hates me now. she found out we're together, and she beat the shit out of me for it. i could barely walk, my stomach hurts so much. but how are you? i know i keep asking, but seriously. are you like, in a giant white room wearing white clothes and seeing my face from above talking to you?"

i made a silly face at josh, just in case he actually could see me. which was probably a no, but it was worth a shot.

"we're going to get through this, okay?" i squeezed his hand gently in mine.

i looked at the ground, unsure of that statement. with the weight of my mom and the bullies at school, would we actually be able to pull through?

i gasped when he curled his fingers to actually _hold my hand._

"josh! can you hear me? squeeze my hand again if you can."

i smiled when i felt him do exactly that.

"oh my god, i don't know what to do right now. wake up soon, please?"

he didn't squeeze my hand again, but i still had high hopes that he would. i would just have to wait.

and i'm willing to wait for him.


	17. seventeen ::: older by two minutes

TYLER

gina called me today, saying that josh had woken up. i didn't believe her at first, but then she made him talk to me over the phone. i almost cried when i heard josh's voice again, i hadn't heard it in so long.

i was at the hospital now, checking in with the nurse and walking to josh's room. gina was walking out, smiling and giving me a hug when she saw me, but she had someplace to be right now, so she had to go. i went inside, excited to see josh was awake.

"josh?"

"tyler!" he held his arms open for me, his eyes growing wide.

i went over and hugged him gently, but tight enough for him to know that i was there.

"i heard you when you were talking to me," he said as i sat down, instantly catching my attention, "if you want you could live with me and gina?" he offered.

"no, thank you. i can't do that to you guys."

"ty, you're mom is physically hurting you. that's not right."

"i'll deal with it. nothing any different from the regular bullies at school."

"if you really want to get out, you could always come over and stay with us."

"thank you, josh. how are you feeling?"

"i'm okay. thank you guys for actually coming in to see me and talk to me – you and gina. it means a lot."

"i'm just happy you're awake. i missed you a ton."

"i missed you, too. it was boring. i never thought you could sleep too much, but, here i am. ugh, i'm staying up all night."

i laughed at that, but my stomach started hurting from the bruises, so i stopped. i held onto my stomach, hoping that maybe doing so would stop the pain.

"tyler..."

"don't." i shook my head, really not wanting to talk about it. "when do you get out of here?"

"i think tomorrow. they want to run a few tests on me, and then i should be out. hopefully. we should go on a date!"

"yeah, we should. when?"

"i want to go now!" he shouted like a child.

"josh, you're still not one hundred percent better yet. we gotta wait."

"but i don't wanna wait. i want to hang out with my boyfriend." he pouted, crossing his arms over his chest and furrowing his brow.

"later." i pet his surprisingly soft red hair.

"mr. dun? mr. joseph? josh is all set to go, i've run the tests and his vitals are better. the doctor has prescribed him antibiotics in which he will take two a day after meals. he should be all better to walk on his own in about a month, but for now, we've given him a wheelchair. josh, would you like to leave now or stay for another night?" a nurse stood at the open door, looking down at her clipboard.

"can i leave now, please?" he perked up.

"yes, sir. i'll check you out and you should be free to go."

i got excited, josh could go home.

the nurse came back in a while later with a wheelchair and extra clothes that gina picked out for him. she had good style, he looked hot in a hoodie jacket. i pushed him in the wheelchair out of the hospital, getting him into my car and folding the wheelchair up in the backseat.

"well, are you happy?" i asked.

"yes! i could finally eat regular food!" he smiled brightly.

josh and i talked about everything as we drove from the hospital to his house. he said he wanted to dye his hair a different color, he didn't know what, though. i suggested silver, i think that would look good on him. he reached his house, me wheeling him towards the door after much effort of getting him onto his chair.

gina opened the door, smiling.

"hey, little bro. thank you, tyler. i'll take care of him now." gina said, hugging both me and josh.

"you're only two minutes older. please." he sassily shot her a look.

she rolled her eyes, wheeling him inside their house after thanking me again. i drove home, just happy that josh was awake and better. but how would he survive school now? what if he gets beaten up again?

i felt my happiness slowly dissolve as i reached my house, knowing that i'd have to explain to my mother where i've been all day. i sighed, preparing for another black eye for tomorrow.


	18. eighteen ::: in the basement

TYLER !

it's been three weeks.

josh has gotten a lot better, but he still had a cast on and needed help getting from one place to the next, in which i have been happy to do for him. as for me?

my mom has gotten worse.

the occasional beatings have turned into a daily thing, her believing she could "beat the gay out of me". it's the dumbest shit ever, but i still tried to stay away from my house. people started noticing the bruises and cuts all over my body, questioning me. i didn't want them to take my mom away, i needed her.

i was at home now.

except, i wasn't in my room.

my mom didn't want my "gayness to influence the family", so here i was. silly mom, what family? my brothers have all moved away and my aunts and uncles hate her. i wouldn't influence anything.

i looked around through the eye that wasn't swollen shut at my surroundings. it was dank and smelly in here, the only thing allowing me to see was the dimly lit lightbulb that swung back and forth in the middle of the room. the door that was my only source of hope seemed so far away up the creaky, moldy staircase, the one my mother pushed me down before she locked me in here.

there was old junk in here, probably wet and smelly due to the moisture in the wooden floorboard and concrete walls. i was curled up in a little ball in the middle of the basement, clutching my body since everywhere hurt. i probably had a few broken ribs or something considering my mom beat me again.

i wish i was out of here.

 _i wish i had josh._

i wondered what josh was doing.

i hoped he was okay, getting better and not hurting himself. i asked him to stay strong for me, for us, and he said he would. i hoped he was happy, eating a taco and watching the nightmare before christmas or something. i was worried he was trying to contact me, and would come to my house to make sure i was okay.

that's my josh, making sure others were happy before himself. i was kind of jealous, he was so selfless, and even when he was the one hurting the most he still made sure i was alright. my thoughts about josh took me away, made me imagine being with him right now.

we'd probably be exploring another forest or taking a ride somewhere with the windows rolled down and singing to whatever was on the radio. i smiled to myself as i thought of josh laughing, his eyes crinkling in the corners and his dimples in his cheeks. i felt warm tears fall down the corners of my eyes and into my hair from my position on the floor as i thought i'd probably never see him again.

i've been thinking too much about him. but can you blame me?

suddenly, the door of the basement rattled and opened, my mom throwing something at me. it hit the side of my face, me groaning in pain because that was the cheek she punched. she punched both of them, actually.

it looked like a banana, slightly spotted. it was a good thing, the banana was probably sweet. that is, if i could taste it through the blood in my mouth. i ignored it, waiting until she left. and she did.

i sat up slowly, not wanting to hurt anything, and started peeling it. i stopped when i heard a knocking at the front door, and my head perked up immediately. i faintly heard a voice, it was so familiar.

"is tyler safe?" he asked.

it was him.

"josh! can you hear me?" i shouted, but i got no response. he seemed to be talking to my mom.

"i need help!" i shouted a little louder this time.

nothing. i dropped my half eaten banana, scrambling up the stairs and pounding on the door. i pressed my ear against it, hearing josh say goodbye to my mom and the front door closing. i felt tears coming out of my eyes, my mom made up some dumb excuse as to why i wasn't responding to his texts and that i was okay, and josh had no clue.

none at all.

just as i had no hope to getting out of this basement.

the door burst open and i staggered down a couple of the stairs, managing to hold onto the wall of the basement.

"you think you're funny? trying to get help from josh? i told you never to speak to him again!" she emphasized her point by grabbing onto my neck, her thumbs pushing into my throat.

it was painful and uncomfortable, and i knew what her motive was. i tried to pry her hands off of my throat, and managed to get a few fingers in between us. i could breathe, but barely.

"mom...please..." i choked out, just wanting her to _stop._

she kept going, and it wasn't until her evil face contorted into black fuzz was when she let go of me and left, slamming the door on her way out. i let my limp body fall backwards, and i hit each and every stair again until i was at the bottom, taking deep inhales of much needed breath.

 _my mom just tried to kill me._

i couldn't move, my body hurting everytime i just moved my fingers. i was shivering in the cold and wet air down here, salty tears painting thin streaks on my temples where they fell into my hair. i blinked hard, not knowing if it was the black fuzz or the dark shadows of the basement that made me unable to see.

i've been in here for two days now, and nobody has any idea.


	19. nineteen ::: rescue

JOSH

tyler hasn't responded to my texts.

it's been a week since we last contacted each other. i went to his house a few days ago, maybe his mom would know what happened to him? she was acting kind of suspicious, saying that he just went out to get fresh air, but he wouldn't just go away without telling me.

i know he wouldn't.

i didn't want to keep bugging them, but something in the back of my mind was telling me to go back. just to check on him one more time. and that's how i ended up back at the joseph's residence, knocking on the door again.

"oh, you're back." ms. joseph smiled politely at me.

"yep, i'm just making sure tyler is okay again. he hasn't texted me in a week, neither has he been at school."

"yeah, well he got in trouble at school, so i've taken his phone away and he's been suspended for a couple of months. no worries."

i stared at her. really? no way tyler could get in trouble. he was too nice, he wouldn't even hurt a fly.

okay, maybe he would. flies are nasty.

it was then when i heard a faint shout of my name coming from deep inside the house. i looked at ms. joseph who looked back at me, and tried to close the door quickly, me stopping it with my foot.

"where the _fuck_ is tyler?" i asked more sternly.

"none of your damn business. now get the hell off of my property!"

i burst through the door, not hearing my name anymore.

"ty?" i called out.

he said my name again, weakly this time. i hope he's okay. i followed his voice, ignoring the shouts of his mom from behind me.

i found a door that looked pretty old, the paint chipping off of it to reveal the wood underneath. i opened it, the doorknob creaking as i turned it. and that's when i saw him.

tyler was in the middle of the floor, his nose and lip bleeding, his eyes swollen shut. he was curled up in a ball, his once white shirt dirty and splotches of blood collected around his collar. his black skinny jeans were dusty and he was grimacing in pain as he clutched his stomach, hiding his face in the floor.

my poor baby.

i rushed over to him, kneeling down.

"tyler? sweetie, i'm here. i'm going to help you, okay?"

"josh..." i saw the corners of his mouth turn upwards in a slight smile, but he groaned as his lip was bleeding.

i carefully picked him up in my arms, muttering apologies as he hissed in pain. i walked up the stairs with him in my arms, making it to the door. i saw his mom with a shiny hammer in her hands, coming at me. i ducked when she swung, honestly surprised i dodged it. i don't like hurting people, especially when it comes to my boyfriend's mom, but she was about to kill me.

i knocked my body into hers, pushing her to the floor.

"sorry." i said, and walked out of the house.

"josh, i'm really...t-tired..." tyler said into my chest.

"no, please don't fall asleep. tyler, i need you to stay awake." i panicked, fearing the worst. what if he can't wake up again?

"okay...i'll try."

i carried him to my car, putting him in the backseat and getting into the driver's seat. i drove off with him, not even bothering to close the door of tyler's house. i was trying to stay calm, otherwise i might forget what i'm doing or draw a blank. i needed to save tyler.

"ty?" i asked.

"...yeah?' he leaned his head against the window.

"don't fall asleep."

i drove faster when i didn't hear him say anything.

|-/

while i was waiting in the emergency room, i waited for the operator to pick up the phone. i told her about tyler's mom, i thought it was the right thing to do. i wouldn't be able to live with myself if i knew tyler was getting hurt and there was something i could do about it. i got off of the phone with them, looking down at my hands.

they were stained with tyler's blood, the creases and folds of my hands darkest with it. i trailed up to my wrists, they weren't covered in bandages anymore, but the scars were still there, fading into a dull pinkish color. i haven't done anything in a long time, i promised tyler i would stop and stay strong.

i've never broken a promise.

then i looked down to my clothes. i was wearing a white tank top and tyler's dark green bomber jacket, he let me borrow it when i was cold at school, and i guess i forgot to give it back to him. it smelled like tyler, a mixture of cinnamon and pine, if that made sense.

i was snapped out of my thoughts when a lady in blue scrubs came out to get me. she told me that tyler was okay, in which i sighed in relief, and that he could recieve visitors now. i followed the lady to tyler, and he was cleaned up, his lip stopped bleeding and so did his nose, except he had a little white bandage over it to set it in place.

"hey, ty." i said softly, sitting on the comfy chair that was next to him.

"josh? is that you? i can't see." he held his hand out.

"yeah, it's me, baby." i took his hand, kissing it softly.

"am i at the hospital? where's my mom?"

 _that bitch._

"uh...i kind of called the police?" i said in more of a question.

"josh!"

"yeah?"

"how am i supposed to live on my own?" he asked, panicking.

"ty, calm down, it's okay. you can live with me and gina." i tried again.

"no, josh! she's my mom! i need her!"

"she beats you every day because of who you are. you don't need that. no one does." i said, my eyebrows coming together.

he didn't say anything, he just looked up ahead.

who needs someone who makes them feel like shit every day? that's exactly why my mom and dad separated. after he had an affair, he always compared my mom to the lady he was seeing. she finally had enough, and we had the money for her to get a divorce and she remarried. my stepdad is great; better than my dad, that's for sure.

"tyler, your birthday is coming up. anything in particular you want to do?" i asked, trying to make the situation lighter even though it was dire at the moment.

"are you free on that day?" his voice was soft.

it was a saturday, of course i was free. otherwise i'd have a date with netflix and food, but i'd rather have a date with tyler.

"yes, i am. spend it together?"

he nodded. i started thinking of ideas on where to take tyler, maybe we could go on another adventure? i sat with tyler for the rest of the day, me starting to fall asleep on his bed. i was sitting next to him with my head in my arms, listening to tyler speak about a new song he was writing.

"it's about the time we went to the forest. it was fun, and it helped me get away from all the worries and stress of everything."

he suggested that we should continue writing it together when he was better, in which i gladly accepted.

the nurse came into the room and told us that visiting hours were over. i stood up, kissing tyler's forehead softly, and saying bye to him before driving home. i thought about tyler. i thought about school, and the rumors, and the bullies. i sighed.

though i'm weak and beaten down, i needed to stay strong.

for the both of us.


	20. twenty ::: i've got a migraine

JOSH

i was driving home from school, tyler in the passenger's seat next to me. it's been a week, and tyler's birthday was in two days. i was up all night yesterday trying to think of anything to give him, even though he's said countless times that he didn't want anything.

but everyone wants something on their birthday.

i looked over at him from where he was watching the trees and houses pass by in multicolored blurs, and smiled slightly. he had a content smile on his face as his eyes darted back and forth, the glare of the window causing shadows of whatever he was looking at to pass through his eyes. i stopped at a stoplight when i saw him look at me from the corner of my eye.

i returned the look, raising my eyebrows. he just shook his head, and looked out the window again.

"josh?"

"yeah?"

"i love you."

i smiled, and continued to look down the stretching path that was the road. i felt my heart flutter when he said it, my smile becoming wider as the butterflies tickled my stomach. i took his hand softly in mine and placed gentle kisses to the back of it, wordlessly acknowledging what he said. sometimes, you don't actually have to say it to mean it.

he started giggling, a dimple popping out in his cheeks.

"that tickles." he said, his beautiful voice broken up by small chuckles.

it was moments like this that made me remember why i opened up to tyler and let myself fall in love with him. it was definitely worth it. even through all the bad times, at the end of the day, i knew that i'd have tyler.

forever and always.

|-/

i led tyler to the basement, as i noticed he was humming a song and i thought he should actually sing what's on his mind.

"joshy poo, why are you bringing me down here? are you planning on tying me up and murdering me?" he asked, jokingly.

"yes, just without the murder part." i winked, smiling as he blushed deeply and hid his face in my shoulder as we stood in the middle of the basement.

"i led you down here because you were humming something, and i've never heard you hum it before, so maybe you'd want to sing it?" i suggested.

"okay."

tyler went over to the piano, sitting down and brushing his hands over the keys.

"do you want to practice the song that we finished writing?" he asked me, waiting for me to answer as he pushed down a black key, then a white one, absentmindedly playing a little rhythm.

"which one?" i asked, considering that we've written down a ton of ideas, only a few going into full songs.

it wasn't much, but it was something.

"the one with the headache."

i nodded, warming up by randomly tapping my cymbals and drums and stepping on the pedal for the kick drum.

"ready?" i asked.

he began playing the piano, the chords coming together in a soft, but pretty melody. then he started singing.

 _am i the only one i know?_

 _waging my wars behind my face and above my throat?_

 _shadows will scream that i'm alone, oh, oh._

i listened to him sing, but then he stopped.

"i don't know how i should continue playing while i'm singing. should it be drawn out, or short bursts?" he asked, looking back at me.

"well, it's upbeat, so i think you should do the short bursts. let's try it." i suggested.

he started over, and when he finished the intro to the song he played short notes that filled the gap between the intro and the first verse.

after a while of suggestions and apologies whenever one of us messed up a key or a note, we decided we'd work on it more tomorrow. we have the lyrics down, it was just the actual music. it was coming along very well, although i felt like it needed something more than just a piano and drums.

tyler and i were laying on the couch now.

we were supposed to be watching a disney movie, but he kept distracting me. his giggles whenever something really funny happened were adorable, just like his dimples that popped out whenever he laughed. his hair was really fluffy too; it was getting a little longer, but he still managed to keep it in a little quiff. he had gorgeous eyes, and small tattoos running along his left arm, each one defining a piece of his character.

he obviously had them there for a reason, and i would let him tell me when he felt like it, i didn't want to just outright ask about them.

"josh? you're staring." tyler smiled, looking down and then back up at me, his long eyelashes curling upwards as they framed his eyes, making them look more lovely.

"i know. you just look really nice today. not that you don't look nice every day, but you look nice tonight, too." i stuttered, embarrassed that i stumbled over my words in front of tyler.

he made me giddy and nervous at the same time, even now. we've been dating for about a month and a half now, but he still makes me feel like when we just started out.

"why are you nervous?" he asked, tilting his head to the side after moving his entire body so that he was facing me.

"you make me nervous." i shrugged, my cheeks burning up.

"aw, that's sweet. well, you make me nervous, too, sometimes. like when i see you i think 'oh shit! here's josh!', then my heart starts beating fast and then i get happy because you start talking. i love your voice, and your laugh," he lost eye contact with me, looking around the room and thinking with a smile on his face.

i felt my heart swell with happiness as he kept talking about all the reasons he loved me. tyler joseph loves me.

i felt the need to kiss him, so i did, even in the middle of his talking. i felt his soft lips move against mine, they were warm. i melted into it, leaning forward a little as he pushed me down on the couch. he was on top of me, his legs bent in between mine. he pulled back a little, looking into my eyes.

"i love you." he told me, wrapping his arms around my neck and hiding his face in it.

"i love you, too." i smiled big, and kissed him again.

because i really, really did.


	21. twenty one ::: not gonna make that pun

R

i felt someone shaking my shoulder, and looked up to see gina with a worried look on her face. i could barely see her eyebrows scrunched together in the warm glow of the moon pouring through the window. it was oddly cold in here, a draft running through the room.

"tyler, where's josh?" she asked.

"he's right next to-" i hovered my hand over the space next to me and there was nothing.

i shot out of the bed, sitting up and thinking of where he could be.

"he's missing again. would he be at the park?" she asked.

i nodded, maybe he was? i was about to pull on one of josh's shirts that was strewn across the floor when i noticed a rock by the window. upon further glace, i realized it was cold because the rock smashed a hole in the window. shards of glass littered the floor like trash, the moon's light glinting off of the transparent pieces.

i carefully picked up the rock, seeing a little note taped to it written on notebook paper.

 _josh-_

 _tyler doesn't love you, so fuck off. he loves me, and we're planning on getting married after high school. it's what we both want, including our parents. thanks for the cover up, though._

 _-jenna_

no fucking way.

no _way_ jenna would do this to josh. she wouldn't do this to me. i dropped the rock after thinking of where josh could be, and i headed straight for the park, gina suggesting to come with me.

"no, gina. you should stay here. i'll be back." i said, grabbing my bomber jacket from the coat hanger.

i got into gina's car, she gave me the key. i drove down to the park, in which was lit with bright streetlamps and the lights surrounding the large fountain in the middle of it. i turned the flashlight of my phone on, it being impossible to see the playground clearly, considering it was abandoned.

i shined the flashlight through the dirty glass, but seeing nothing as the glass reflected the light. i climbed up the wall that was on the side, climbing through the tube and peeking my head in. i didn't see anything, so i crawled back out and slid down the slide, its rusty hinges creaking with my weight.

i tried to think.

if josh wasn't at the park, where would he be? i thought of the next best place, and soon found myself driving two and a half hours out of town to the spot that held a special place in my heart.

|-/

i saw a body sitting down by the waves, their head resting on their knees, their arms wrapped around themselves. i shut gina's car door quietly and walked towards the body, hopefully it was actually josh and not someone else.

"josh?" i asked.

"tyler?" his voice was cracked up. he had been crying.

"why did you leave the house?" i asked, sitting down next to him and putting my arm around him in a comforting way. i could feel the grains of sand sticking to my legs, and made a face.

"i...i don't think i could do this anymore." he said, hiding his face in his knees.

"what do you mean?" i asked, my heart beginning to beat in panic.

"this. every day me and you get teased for being together. they keep beating me up, and sending me mean things. i don't think..." he trailed off, looking at the sand.

"josh, what are you trying to say?" i asked, taking my arm from around his shoulders and nervously looking at him.

there were clear tears falling down his cheeks, dripping off of his chin into the sand. he was playing with the laces of his shoes, clutching them so tight that his hand was shaking. he was biting his lip, his eyes clenched shut as more tears fell from his cheek.

"maybe they would stop if..." he was having a hard time.

i said nothing, silently asking him to continue.

"maybe they would stop if we weren't together anymore."

i sat in silence, slowly processing what josh just said to me. he wants to break up with me because of some bullies. okay.

"you're not willing to fight for what you really want, huh?" i asked, looking into the sea. i wasn't sad, and i wasn't mad, just kind of disappointed. this couldn't be the end, i was planning on taking over the world with josh. i wouldn't let it be the end.

"i've been trying for the past month, it's really wearing me down. i really do love you, tyler-"

"i don't want to hear none of that shit!" i snapped at him, "if you really did love me, then you wouldn't be trying to break up with me! over bullies who won't even _matter_ later?"

"maybe they would stop if we broke up!" he tried to argue, looking up at me as i stood up to leave.

"and maybe they won't, so we would just break up for nothing. i would lose the _love of my life_ for nothing. that's how that would turn out. you're so fucking _weak_ , josh. and to think i actually thought you would be able to stay strong. you need to learn to love yourself and accept yourself for who you are not throw away everything that's worth fighting for just because you want to...what? _fit in with society?"_

i don't know what i was thinking, but all i knew was that i was seeing red and i needed to go away quick. i was so fucking pissed, is he really going to trash everything now? over _bullies?_

"you know what, josh? fine, let's break up if that's what you really want."

"tyler, i-" he stood up, walking towards me.

"i can't _believe_ you, josh!" i hit his chest with both of my fists. "after everything we've tried to stay strong for, you're going to give up now? our relationship started out with strength, and now you're just going to end it because life is hard now? i'll admit, getting bullied is taking a toll on me too, but the only reason i stay strong is because i knew i'd have _you._ i'd have you to make me laugh and feel better about everything, even if my world is going to shit. that's the only reason why! it's because of _you!"_ i shouted, tears forming at the corners of my eyes.

does that mean josh didn't feel the same? that he felt like he was alone in this? what was i doing for him?

nothing, i suppose.

i turned towards gina's car, my anger quickly dissipating into sadness when i realized that i had just lost josh. the rumors got too hard for him, i guess, and he didn't want me to be there with him anymore. which was fine.

i'm lying, it was so very far from fine.

i wouldn't let him see it, though. i got into gina's car, clutching the steering wheel as i left josh at the beach. maybe i shouldn't have said some of the things i told him, because i knew he was hurting. getting bullied hurts, i know.

i felt the guilt start to spread in my chest, burning my bones and spreading fire up my throat. i'd be lying if i said i didn't want josh here with me, driving back to his house so we could watch a movie or something. it's been only three minutes and i miss josh.

i miss him a lot.

i was stopped at a red light, turning on the windshield wipers when it started to rain slightly. i banged my head on the steering wheel, wincing because of the pain.

and it wasn't because of my head.

what the fuck, josh. why couldn't you hold on for a little longer? how did you just let me go like that? how did i just let josh go like that?

i'm so stupid. i was stupid for yelling at josh, even when i knew _damn well_ that he wasn't okay. he's always the one to make sure i was okay before he was, but i was stupid and didn't even give a second thought to how he was feeling.

i was a selfish idiot, mainly for being a jerk when it wasn't necessary. i tried to drive clearly, but my eyes kept getting blurry as they flooded with tears. i bit my lip to try to stop the faucet behind my eyes from leaking and running down my face, but it didn't work, and next thing i knew i was pulled over by the main road, crying my eyes out over _josh fucking dun._

i checked the time on my phone, the sky pitch black except for the bright, creamy moon shining. i stared at my phone as it read 12:24am.

 _happy birthday to me._


	22. twenty two ::: you're all that i got

R

i decided not to go back to josh and gina's house, even though gina insisted i stay in her room while she take the couch. she didn't know what happened, and i'm pretty sure josh didn't tell her either, so i just said i felt homesick and needed to be back in my old house, even though the electricity was cut out. i forgot about the drought of lightbulbs in this house, so i opened the shades on the window for the sunlight to come in.

i didn't want to be around josh, not after what happened. i still didn't delete any of the selfies or threw away the gifts he made me. maybe a small part of me still had hope that he didn't mean what he said. or maybe i was a masochist and enjoyed being tortured by the happy smiles we had on our faces in the pictures, or josh's neat yet sloppy handwriting telling me how much he loved and believed in me on a piece of paper.

i don't know why i feed on emotion, it just let me relax to see others in a state of happiness otherwise i wouldn't be happy. it both made me and killed me, and in this moment, it was _tearing me apart._

so here i was, back in my old house of memories. bad ones, to be exact. i was sitting on my bed, my room dark with no sound except for my breathing that would occasionally turn into sobs, something i found myself doing a lot lately.

it's been three days, each day being worse than the last. all i thought about was josh,

josh,

josh.

he was clouding my thoughts like a raging thunderstorm, then it would clear up by his smile or his laugh. i wondered if he thought about me, too. i then heard my phone go off just as i was about to start thinking again, me glancing at it. it was a message from jenna.

 **jennablack:** _hey babe, i heard about the breakup from josh. do you want to talk about it?_

i sighed, picking up my phone and replying.

 **tylerhoseph:** _not really, i just wanna go to sleep_

 **tylerhoseph:** _forever_

 **jennablack:** _aw, come on. maybe a day out would feel better?_

 **tylerhoseph:** _jenna, i already told you, i dont want to do anything today. leave me alone._

i thought about it before i sent the text message, but then held my finger on the backspace button. even though i was upset, jenna didn't deserve to be unhappy because i snapped at her. she was only trying to help. maybe hanging out with jenna would make me feel better.

so i typed a new message.

 **tylerhoseph:** _you know what? yeah, i'd like to. can we hang out at your house since mine is abandoned?_

 **jennablack:** _of course :) come by whenever, okay?_

 **tylerhoseph:** _okay._

|-/

"and then he said the bullying was becoming too much, and he ended it. i tried to say something, but i know i said too much. i said way too much." i was curled up in jenna's lap as she sat, hugging me on her bed.

she pet my head comfortingly with the one arm that wasn't around me, softly shushing me.

"ty, i'm not going to tell you it's okay, because it's not, but i will tell you this: if josh really loved you, he'll turn around. i know you loved him too, so you could try saying something first. if not, you just have to wait until something happens, otherwise you need to do it yourself." she said, her soft voice making me feel a little bit better.

"but jenna."

"but tyler."

"he probably hates me." my voice cracked at the thought of josh rejecting me if i tried to talk to him again.

"i don't think he's capable of that. i know josh, and from what i've learned, he doesn't hold hate in his heart – no matter what. you just need to wait for the right moment and boom!" i shook with her on her lap as she made an elaborate hand gesture of an explosion, "you guys will work it out."

"it won't be the same."

"you're right. it could be better. you got to have faith."

"why?"

"you gotta."

"i want to drown my tears in ice cream. can we go to dairy queen?" i asked, hiding my face in jenna's shoulder.

"let's go, bunny boy."

 _bunny boy._

that's what josh called me when we went to the forest. the place we lost our fears of being in an unknown place by ourselves, reckless behavior from running through the trees and climbing them to try to get to the top.

when i told him i loved him.

i did mean it. and if i told him again, i would still mean it. i love josh, and i'm not going to be getting over him anytime soon, but i was sure as hell trying. i didn't want to though. being blue is better than being over it, i suppose.

"oh, i almost forgot." jenna ran into her walk-in closet and i heard drawers opening.

she returned with a big box. it was red and gold striped, the gold covered in glitter and the transparent red bow tied neatly. she handed it to me, me taken aback by how heavy it was. i squinted my eyes at her and then back at the box. she smiled brightly and nodded her head, telling me to open it.

i untied the ribbon, expecting her to have gotten me a dildo or something.

not that i would mind.

i reached in and pulled out a flat, white box, opening that up too and finding a black onsie with skeleton bones on the front of it. it had a hoodie and everything. i looked in the box to see something fairly large wrapped in tissue paper. i unwrapped it carefully.

it was a...giant... _dick?_ i noticed the wick on top of it.

"is this a penis candle?" i asked, holding it in my hands. it was really heavy for a candle.

"yup! there's more, keep going."

i chuckled at the candle, putting it on the bed next to my onesie, and pulled out a big album. it was filled with pictures of me and jenna, from when we first met to now. of course, her parents hadn't know about this, since it showed us hanging out in casual clothes and not on a date, like how they thought.

it brought back good memories and tears to my eyes, just remembering the photos. sometimes, i wish i could turn back time, to the good old days. before all of this shit happened. i know all i could do is keep going forward, but it's fun to fantasize.

"aw, jenna. thank you so much." i smiled through my watery eyes.

"i'm glad you like it. now come here." she held her arms out for me.

she hugged me tightly, her arms around my waist as she rocked me back and forth.

"happy birthday, tyler."

|-/

jenna and i walked into the small ice cream shop, the bright lights in here sickening to my eyes.

 _bright lights._

the exact same type of bright lights in the hospital, when josh got beaten up and i helped him out. where i experienced true fear and extreme happiness over the course of a week. when my mother kept me in the basement, but who was my actual knight in shining armor?

oh yeah, _josh._

except he wasn't wearing armor, probably just a plain shirt underneath my bomber jacket that he loved so much.

"tyler!" i jumped when i felt jenna nudge my ribs.

"huh?"

"what do you want?" she asked, referring to the flavors of ice cream they had.

"can i just get a giant blizzard? the one with the cookie dough and brownies and like extra chocolate and stuff. just kill me." i said in a monotone voice, going to sit at a table.

i've never walked away from anything that fast when i saw someone come in through the door.

well, two people, actually.

it was my blonde haired best friend and my now silver haired boyfriend.

 _ex_ -boyfriend. i forgot about that part.

i could honestly say he looked hot, but when did he not? with his hair silver now, he just looked really good. not that he didn't look nice all the time, but like-

"tyler, we should go." jenna snapped me out of my thoughts like a rubber band as she handed me my ice cream.

"yeah, we should." i whispered, trying not to get him to noticed me, but was fucked when he turned around anyway.

gina, of course, being oblivious to the situation, came over and squealed, hugging me tightly.

"tyler! i haven't seen you in two days! you look like shit." she said, caressing my face in her hands.

"i'd say i look fabulous, excuse me." i flipped my non-exsistent long hair over my shoulder, making gina laugh.

"josh is here with me." she said, turning back to call him over here.

"uh! actually, i have to leave right now, but i'll see you later, okay?" i put my hand on her shoulder to stop her from doing anything, honestly feeling like shit that i didn't tell my best friend that her brother and i weren't dating anymore.

"oh, um. okay." she said, nodding slightly and going back over to her brother.

josh was staring at me, his nose ring glinting in the lights of the ice cream shop. he was wearing a gray sweater and black basketball shorts, black vans on his feet. he looked really baggy, like if i hugged him i'd probably fall asleep on him and he'd fall backwards from the unexpected weight.

i looked into his pretty eyes and wondered what was going on through his mind right now. did he actually hate me? was he doing better now that i wasn't with him anymore? these thoughts put a tear in my heart, but jenna stopped it from completely breaking as she pulled my hand out of the ice cream shop.

"tyler! what the fuck?" jenna asked as we were parked in another parking lot to eat our ice cream.

"what the fuck what?" i asked, eating a big scoop of my frozen sugar.

"josh! you! having a _staring_ competition?"

"maybe i was feeling petty." i shrugged, licking the spoon free of ice cream.

"and you didn't even tell gina." she shook her head at me.

"i thought josh told her." i shrugged again, not really knowing why i was acting so nonchalant about this. i just saw my ex-boyfriend in public, for fuck's sake.

"tyler, can you _stop_ acting like you don't give a shit? hiding how you actually feel underneath this tough guy act isn't going to help anything progress."

i sighed. she was right. i honestly felt like shit. and just when i was feeling a little better, josh decided to run into me at dairy queen.

i had a chance to go back into the shop and hug him, or kiss him, or something. i felt the need to apologize, but it wasn't my fault that we broke up, and it wasn't his either. something's got to give.

i turned to look back at the shop, maybe he was still there? i gazed through the large windows and into the shop, but there was no sign of silver hair or blonde hair. i gave up, sitting back in my seat and feeling that heavy weight holding down my heart. the more i thought about josh and what could've been, the heavier that weight gets, and the more i could feel my heart bleed in my chest.

"jenna, could you please take me back home?" i asked, becoming sad that i didn't have josh anymore.

"where?"

i looked out the window.

i didn't have an answer for that.

|-/

jenna ended up taking me back to her house, me sleeping in her bed while she took the couch. i was actually supposed to sleep on the couch, but she stayed up until after i fell asleep to _carry_ me into her room. how i didn't wake up during that, i don't know.

i was drinking coffee with her now, jenna insisting that we go to starbucks instead of drinking that african imported coffee that her parents had in the pantry. i ordered a venti vanilla bean frappucino, the white contrasting with the dark thoughts i had in my mind. they definitely weren't happy, that's for sure.

i stared at my white drink. it was full now, but if you kept drinking it, it'd be gone. just like me. i was here for a period of time, but before you know it, someone might drain the life out of me, and just like that,

i'd be gone.

i was this frappucino and josh was drinking me.

it was stupid to compare myself to a _fucking drink,_ but that's how i felt.

"tyler, your drink is going to melt. drink it." jenna said, taking a bite out of her cheese danish that she had set on a napkin.

she got me a cookie with a little snowman on it, the holidays coming close. that reminded me, i needed to get something for gina and jenna. i didn't know if i should get anything for josh. would it be inappropriate? i have no clue, i was new to this whole breakup thing.

"tyler, you're thinking. talk to me." jenna stopped eating her danish.

"christmas is coming up."

"and you don't know whether or not you should get josh something." she finished for me.

"yeah." i said sheepishly, looking at the ground with the straw of my drink in my mouth.

"i think you should think. christmas is in a few weeks, you've got time."

"yeah. yeah, you're right. i'll think about it." i said, nodding in agreement.

jenna and i had planned something for the day, but we just didn't know what. maybe we would go to the skating rink since it was cold outside already. we finally picked a place, going to the rink to skate. i got a notification on kik, and two more right after, but i was on the ice and i wasn't that great at skating, so i was trying not to kill my butt.

i decided to take a break and check my phone, looking at the zero actual texts i got in the last five hours.

i stared at my phone, scrolling through the pages of useless apps as if i was waiting for something out of the ordinary to happen. i let out a breath i didn't know i was holding and shoved my phone back into my pocket, my mood saturated with the need to just go home and do nothing.

it was disheartening, really.

i completely forgot about the kik messages i received.

|-/

!

i had the door to my bathroom locked, sitting on the toilet seat and just...thinking.

i missed tyler. i wished he was here right now, even if we were just talking. at least i knew i'd have him. i'm such a fucking idiot. i thought breaking up with him would settle everything, but it just made it worse. the bullies were saying i was weak, and that tyler broke up with me because he actually did love jenna.

nothing's worse than rumors, i'm telling you.

but maybe they were right. maybe _tyler_ was right. maybe i am weak.

if tyler said it, it must be true, right?

 _you are weak, if you weren't, you wouldn't be crying._

i wiped the small tears that were flooding under my eyes, the warm liquid falling down my hand and onto my jeans, creating a small dark spot on them.

how do i get rid of the pain, then?

 _focus on something else._

so i did.

through my blurry vision i opened the drawer by the sink, pulling out a small, silver razor. i held it up to the light, watching as it bounced off the object. i sat down on the floor, twirling the thing in between my fingers, just...thinking.

maybe i thought a little too much.


	23. twenty three ::: why

!

i was sitting on the rusty swings in the abandoned park, aimlessly playing a game that took up way too much storage on my phone. jenna and i spent most of the day out, but she was needed back home with her parents. i've slept over at her house for around two days now, not wanting to get in the way. i was fine.

for now.

my game was interrupted when a silly picture of gina flashed across the screen, a green call button underneath it. i pressed it and held the phone up to my ear.

"gina?"

"hi, tyler, um, is josh with you?"

 _oh, shit._

"no, why?"

"he won't pick up his phone, and the last text he sent me was 'i'm sorry'. sorry for what?"

my eyes grew wide as i realized what josh could've done. i hung up the phone with gina and ran straight towards josh's house, my heart beat getting faster and faster with every step.

it was in plain sight now, the white, two story house. i knew there was a key under the mat, but right now i was running on pure intuition, and kicked the door open. i hope i didn't break it. there was a weird odor in the air, like how a penny smells.

i went down the hallway to see that all the rooms where empty, so i dashed upstairs into josh's bedroom. the bathroom door was shut, a small strip of light illuminating a part of his dark room.

"josh!" i pounded on the door, but i didn't hear anything.

i kicked that door open too, and found out where the penny smell was coming from.

except, it wasn't because of actual pennies.

i sank to my knees when i saw josh lying on the floor, _lifeless,_ with his wrists sliced open. i noticed an empty pill bottle strewn carelessly onto the ground, in which a part of it was submerged in josh's blood, pooling around the dips in the bottle.

he had taken pills and slit his wrist. he must've really wanted to go.

did i cause this? did i drive him to want to take his life? maybe he wanted to do it earlier, but the mean words i said when we broke up, maybe they-

maybe they gave him that surge forward to actually want to.

i felt for a pulse, any sign of life from him, and there was. i felt his faint heartbeat thump against my sensitive figertips as they were pressed underneath his jawline.

"come on, josh. stay alive." my voice quivered as i propped him up against my chest, not caring that there was his blood and tears all over me.

i needed to get those pills out of his system, fast. i opened his mouth and stuck two fingers as far down into his throat as i could, hoping he would cough them up or something. i felt his body jerk, and i quickly removed my fingers, seeing that he threw up the entire pill bottle, nothing but small capsules came out of his mouth. he was stirring, but then i remembered his wrists in which were continuously oozing blood.

i set him down gently, going towards the sink and opening every cabinent and drawer. i found bandages in a large first aid kit, using the whole thing on both of his wrists. i then pulled out my phone and shakily dialed the emergency number, telling them josh's address and waiting for help to come.

i held josh's limp body in my arms, hugging him close to me.

"i'm sorry, josh. for everything. i should've come sooner, this is all my fault. i didn't mean what i said. i'm so sorry. _please_ don't take your life away from me." i sobbed, rocking him back and forth, the guilt engulfing my entire body in flames.

everything was a blur.

i could only hear muffled voices swarming together and flashing lights outside of the window. my vision was blurry as i watched the paramedics take josh away in the ambulance. i could barley hear what i was saying, if i even said anything, but i managed to catch a few words that were crystal clear in my mind.

"i love you, josh."

|-/

i sat in josh's hospital room, my hand clutching his bandaged hands, silently crying to myself.

if only i'd just come sooner. i knew something was wrong from the minute he said he was sorry. sorry for what? it wasn't his fault, nothing was his fault. the bullying was just too much. would i have ended things with josh if it were me?

no, i'd keep fighting, just like i am now; i'm fighting to keep josh by my side, even if we weren't together.

i was focusing on the steady beeps coming from the monitor, rubbing small circles on the back of his hands with my thumbs. the whole day has been filled with apologies from me, this entire thing was my fault. josh and i would probably be making up over taco bell or ice cream or maybe going on an adventure like we said we would if i had only come sooner.

i've been trying to get up and leave, not watch my tears drip off of my chin and mark a clear splotch on the hospital floor. but i couldn't.

i couldn't just leave josh again.

so i stayed.

i stayed when the heart monitor had a lingering beeping sound, instead of the steady rhythm of a beating heart.

i stayed when i screamed for help and the doctors and nurses shooed me out of the room.

i even stayed when they were pushing on his chest and electrocuting him with the paddles, trying to get his heart to beat again.

i stayed when they amped up the bolts.

i stayed until they told me to go home.

|-/

i couldn't sleep.

the overwhelming doubts were shaking hands with the dark parts of my thoughts, teaming up and plotting to smother me with a pillow of guilt and worry.

i was worried for josh. i was worried for gina. i hadn't seen them in two days, all the doctors did was tell me to go home.

josh could be dead or alive right now, and i wouldn't know.

he could be anything and i still wouldn't know. the doubts were like lions knawing on my mind, blood running down their chins. and i know i could fight, or i could let the lions win and get to me. but i wouldn't.

i would stop thinking and just do it.

and that's how i found myself driving back to the hospital, just to check on josh. that's all i wanted to do.

that's all i needed to do. just make sure he was okay, even when i knew he was far from it.

i checked in and went into josh's room, his eyes closed and his chest rising and falling evenly. his eyelids were fluttering, so i took that as a good sign.

a great sign.

i sat down next to him, running my fingers through his matted and soft silver hair, smiling that he actually took my advice and dyed it silver.

"hey, joshy." i smiled sadly at him. the heart monitor was beating steadily again.

"i know you can't speak right now, but i think you could still hear me. if not, i've prepared a whole speech for nothing." i chuckled weakly. "this is going to sound cheesy as fuck, but i miss you. a lot. nothing i do doesn't revert back to a thought of you. if that's weird, then i must be the biggest creep of them all. i got your texts, and i know i should've come sooner. i would've come sooner if i _knew_ what you were planning on doing.

what i said to you when we...broke up...i didn't mean it. i know i'm always on you about fighting about what you really want, and i was being hypocritical for not fighting for us, even if you really did want to end things. i made a mistake for not trying hard enough to keep you."

by now, my voice was shaking and i was thinking off the top of my head.

"the point is, i wish you were awake right now. would you even want to fix things? you probably hate me now, but just know that i really want to work things out and that i love you. i never stopped."

i had tears running down my face again, mentally slapping myself for being such a wimp. i've never cried this much over someone. anyone. but somehow this boy, this beautiful, silver-haired dork has me staining my shirt with dark, wet tears.

"i'm going to go now, but i hope you wake up soon." i lightly kissed his forehead. not in a romantic way, but far from platonic. i don't know what it was.

when i pulled away, i almost jumped back when i saw josh staring up at me, his pretty eyes gleaming in the hospital's lights.

"i love you, too."

|-/

so we just talked.

we talked the whole entire day. it wasn't awkward, like how i expected it to be. it was nice, being here and talking to josh again.

"could we start over? like officially?" i asked after catching up about everything.

he nodded, opening his mouth to say something but stopped. he took his almost-dead phone from the table next to him, typing something down. a few seconds of just looking at him text, i recieved a kik notification.

 **djspooks:** _salutations, fren_

i looked at him and smiled, playing along with it and trying to remember our first texts together.

 **tylerhoseph:** _wat who r u_

 **djspooks:** _ur fren_

 **tylerhoseph:** _well let's change that, shall we? would you like to go on a date with me on saturday?_

 **djspooks:** _whoa fren i got whiplash from how fast ur going_

 **tylerhoseph:** _okay fine let's just hang outtt_

 **djspooks:** _no i wanna go on a date_

 **tylerhoseph:** _where_

 **djspooks:** _we should go on an adventure_

 **tylerhoseph:** _ooo i want to surprise you_

 **djspooks:** _i love surprises! but not that certain surprise when u wake up_

 **djspooks:** _those are not v good surprises :(_

i laughed out loud at josh's response. i was actually, geniunely smiling and laughing because of josh.

i missed this.


	24. twenty four ::: teenage life

R

it's been months.

josh and i were back to how it was before, and i could _not_ be happier. i thought it wouldn't work out, and that we'd have to seperate for real this time, but we were making it work. the rumors at school have been the same, but josh and i still got through it. will wasn't at school anymore, he got suspended for bullying and – oh, yeah! – spreading rumors.

it was finally june.

josh's mom came back from the business trip in january, so he was able to introduce me to her. i think i made a pretty good impression, i made her laugh a few times. she even gave me her phone number just in case of emergencies, i think that's a good sign.

i was sat on my porch steps, waiting for an expensive looking black car, me not knowing the name of it. a car is a car, i guess.

"get in, loser, we're going shopping." jenna's voice shouted from her open window as she pulled up, lightly honking the horn at me.

i got in after greeting her with a simple "hey", but she wasn't having any of that.

"don't you 'hey' me! do you realize what's starting in approximately seven hours?" she gave me a look, her dark eyebrows coming together.

it took me a while, but then i remembered.

"oh, yeah. prom." i said.

"yes, and we only have seven hours to get ready."

"only?" i asked.

"you need to get your hair done, and your eyebrows and makeup and nails done. come on, tyler! wake up! you've got to look your best!" she said, driving towards the boutique to pick up my tuxedo that gina insisted i wear.

"you mean you've got to do that? i literally need to put on the suit and i'll be ready." i laughed.

"ugh, you're right. why can't i be a boy?" she pouted.

"i mean you can."

"but i like being a girl."

"being a girl is tough as fuck. you deserve a medal. don't be surprised when you suddenly get a basket full of trophies and shit from me." i laughed.

she rolled her eyes, smilling and shaking her head. she put on the radio, it playing the middle of a green day song, so i turned it up to a loud volume and started singing along. jenna and i laughed and sang at the top of our lungs, and i could help but be reminded.

it was times like this when i knew that it was worth it to keep going. so you could be with the people you love the most. i didn't have any "real" family, as my relatives were distant and my mom was sharing a jail cell with three other women, but my friends were just like it. i had jenna and gina, and most importantly, i had josh. they were the reasons i kept going.

 _they_ were what made life worth it.

|-/

i was at jenna's house, now.

she was putting the finishing touches on her made-up face, and she looked beautiful. we were waiting for our dates to come to the house and pick us up, me being a nervous wreck. i was sitting on her bed with my hands folded out in front of me, my arms resting on my knees. they bounced up and down quickly as i tapped my foot on the floor, occasionally taking deep breaths.

"ty, are you alright?" jenna asked, looking at me through her giant mirror.

"y-yeah. i'm okay. i'm fine, right?"

"right. you have nothing to be worried about."

"i know. i'm just...nervous." i blew a breath of air out again.

what if josh didn't like my outfit? what if we're wearing the wrong shade of blue for our ties? what if i trip and rip my suit? what if i sneeze and spit gets all over josh as he tries to kiss me?

"i'm sure he'll love it. i told gina to tell him exactly what color to get, and even then, it's not a big deal. and don't worry, i'll be there to catch you if you fall. as for the sneezing, bleh – try not to." jenna smiled, putting earrings in.

i blushed, embarrassed as fuck that i was thinking out loud. i sighed, taking jenna's words to heart and got up from my position on the couch. nervousness was sitting in my throat, and i kept trying to swallow it down as it slowly kept rising up. i guess you could see it on my face, because jenna came over to me and pouted.

she put her hands on my arms, looking at me.

"tyler, you look amazing. _and_ you smell good. there's nothing to worry about." jenna shook her head to emphasize her point, and patted my cheek with her manicured hands.

"now let's go, i think i hear them coming down the hall."

"jenna? tyler? josh and ericc are here." her parents called through the door and they went back up the hallway.

jenna held out her hand for me to take, a reassuring smile on her face. this was just prom, why am i feeling like i'm about to get married or something? okay, it wasn't _just_ prom, but still.

she led me towards her stairs and shooed me to go first. _oh jesus, take the wheel._ i saw josh standing there, whispering something to ericc and he laughed at it. josh was pretty funny. he saw me and stopped laughing, his mouth parted in a slight smile.

it's like the whole world stopped, the only thing i could focus on was my boyfriend in a very nicely tailored suit. it's like my eyes were a camera, blurring out everything around them except for him. his silver hair was tamed, but still had that wild style to it. he was wearing a sleek, black suit that fit him perfectly, and _oh my god._

were his sleeves rolled up?

i'm gonna faint.

i smiled at him and began to walk down the stairs, meeting him halfway and hugging him.

"tyler, you look gorgeous." he smiled sweetly, kissing my cheek. _"and_ you smell good."

"aw, thanks, joshy. you look rather dashing, if i say so myself." i told him, putting on this prim and proper stereotypical accent.

he smiled at me and held my face in his hands, smiling fondly and looking over my face.

"i love you." he said.

"as i love you."

he leaned in, softly capturing my lips in a kiss. i held onto his waist and he had the small of my back and my cheek in his hands. his lips were incredibly soft and oh my god, he was wearing that same italian cologne that i love so much. he pulled back, kissing my forehead once as we waited for jenna and ericc. we then left the house after so many pictures, and were on our way to prom.

it was, in fact, the best time of my teenage life.


	25. twenty five ::: we did it

R

i was sitting in the auditorium, hearing people's names get called by the principal.

i was slightly sweating in this long ass robe, my hat a little too big for my head, but it fit. enough. i heard josh's name, and i cheered for him, clapping maybe a _little_ too loudly, but i didn't care.

i was proud of him. that was _my_ boyfriend, graduating from high school. he got his diploma and walked off the stage, a happy smile on his face. it was soon after when my name got called, and i went up quickly, wanting to get off the stage as fast as i'd gone on it. i clutched my diploma in my hand, blushing when i heard a "yas, tyler!" shout from the back.

josh, what are you doing.

"that's my best friend!" it was gina this time.

"you go, little bro." jenna.

"that's my future son in law!" josh's stepdad's loud ass voice rang through the whole auditorium, causing my cheeks to redden even further, if that was possible.

i smiled brightly at josh as he waited at the bottom of the stairs for me. i tried to walk off the stage as best as i could with this robe having me feel like yoda, but i ended up stumbling a little bit. i gasped as i lost my footing and my diploma fell out of my hands, preparing for the worst as i fell downwards. but i didn't hit the ground. i landed on something soft and hard at the _same damn time,_ looking up to see josh smiling down at me with an amused look on his face.

i hid my face in his neck, holding onto him for support. i picked up my diploma and went to sit with him in the back on the auditorium, waiting for this to be over. when it was time to throw our hats in the air, i was overwhelmed with excitement.

i got through this.

 _josh and i_ got through this.

i threw my hat in the air, holding josh's hand with my free one, laughing just because i was so happy i finally got through highschool. if i had known i'd be exeriencing this after all the pain and sadness i went through, then it was definitely worth trying and fighting for.

"tyler!" josh turned to me, his eyes beaming with excitement.

"josh!"

"we did it!" he pumped his fists in the air, smiling brightly.

i didn't respond, just jumped on him, wrapping my arms and legs around him. i buried my face in his neck, my heart swelling with joy and happiness. i pulled back, meeting josh's lips with mine as the white blur of graduation hats showered us. this wasn't technically a kiss in the rain, but it was close enough.

everything was working out. we would be leaving highschool, josh and i would be starting out life together. even if we don't stay together forever, at least we'd be starting.

we got through this together, and i couldn't be more proud of us. josh was my happiness, and i'd be holding onto him for a very long time.


End file.
